


Help Me, Save Me

by Kenny121720



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Clay Jensen Needs a Hug, Depression, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:01:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26541067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenny121720/pseuds/Kenny121720
Summary: "You save everyone. But who saves you?"Clay always tried to save everyone around him. But in the midst of saving everyone he loved, he forgot how to save himself.Can someone save him before it's too late?*Takes place after Justin's death. *
Relationships: Clay Jensen & Tony Padilla, Clay Jensen/Justin Foley, Clay Jensen/Lainie Jensen, Clay Jensen/Matt Jensen, Jessica Davis & Clay Jensen
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	1. Justin-Part 1

_"Will you hold...will you hold my hand...bro?"_

His brother's final request, his final words, ran through Clay's head. Justin's labored breathing, the slight, but noticeable, tremor in his hands against his own, it all replayed in the 18-year old's head like a broken record as he sat in the backseat of the uncomfortably silent Prius, his father behind the wheel and his mother in the passenger seat. If it was any other day, the teen would have detested greatly to either one of his parents driving his car, but today, it felt like he had lost the ability to speak, let alone to drive. 

The family of three could feel the tension weigh down on their shoulders, but none of them wanted to start the conversation. What could anyone possibly say after something like this? There is no way that anyone could turn what happened into a neat little story.

A little while into the 30 minute drive home from the hospital, the silence in the car getting thicker and thicker by the minute, Lainie decided to break it with the question that, without any doubt, she shared with her husband. She turned to face her son, who was staring listlessly out the window of the car, lost in a sea of his thoughts.

"Clay? Honey?" she started, her voice laced with concern. "are you okay?"

 _Am I okay?_ the teen wanted to say, _How can I possibly be okay? I should have known something was wrong. It should've been so fucking easy to help him, to save him, so no, I'm not okay, and I don't think I ever will be._ The teen settled for a shake of his head to answer his mother's question. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lainie pressed further, still keeping her concerned tone.

This earned her another shake of the head from her lethargic son. Fighting the urge to keep pushing him, in trying to get him to talk, Lainie just sighed in response and turned her attention back in front of her, leaving Clay drowning in his thoughts once more. 

The coldness of his brother's hand had seemed to seep into Clay's body. It quickly seeped into his heart. All his thoughts were starting to drown him. All of the _what ifs_ and _how could he's_ started to infiltrate his mind. _How could he not tell me what was wrong with him? Did he already know he was dying? What if he told us sooner? We could've saved him. We should've saved him. I should have saved him. I needed to save him. Why did he let that happen? Why did he-_

In the midst of his spiraling thoughts, he didn't realize that the car had come to a stop. Lainie took notice of this, and with a look of sympathy on her face, she gingerly nudged her son's knee, snapping him out of his daze.

"Honey? We're home."

Clay gave another nod in response and stiffly took off his seat belt, exited the vehicle, and made his way to the Outhouse without another word, ignoring his parents' sad and sympathetic stares in the process.

Upon entering the Outhouse, their shared space, everything hit Clay like an arrow to the heart. The numbness that he had felt during the journey home had melted away instantly, which allowed all his pain that he kept burying down deep inside to come out all at once, and with a vengeance. 

The teenager had let out a gut wrenching sob as he sank to the floor of the empty loft that he shared with his brother. All his pain kept burning and burning. He couldn't stop, all the memories of the times, both good and bad, that he shared with his brother, his savior, had flooded his mind, starting with the night Justin saved his life. 

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_Clay held the gun he took from Tyler in his hand. His fingers gripped the handle of the handgun, his index finger tickling the trigger, as he made his way to the home of the center of his range and anger: Bryce Walker. As the monotonous voice of the deceased Hannah Baker reciting the contents of tape number 12, detailing the horrendous and despicable actions of the 18 year old senior, drove his anger and determination, he had heard the sound of a car pull up beside him. He didn't pay too much attention to it until it had pulled up in front of him._

_"Clay, what are you doing?" Justin had asked, urgency lacing his voice as he exited the Prius. "Where did you get that?"_

_Clay gave the fellow junior a strong look as he said, "Get out of my way, Justin."_

_"Come on, Clay, this is fucking crazy." came Justin's urgent response._

_As Hannah's ghost continued to recite Tape 12 in brutal detail, Clay felt his anger grow hotter and hotter for the rapist. He was about to start up the steps to the mansion when he told Justin, "No one's gonna get justice for her," who proceeded to step in front of him, effectively blocking Clay's path to the door.  
_

_"Move!" Clay demanded, pointing the gun at Justin, who proceeded to tell Clay about Jessica's desire for him to testify._

_Clay denied this with, "Bullshit, no she doesn't."_

_"Yes, I swear she does." Justin countered, pleading with Clay._

_Clay screwed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to get Hannah's voice out of his head, before clapping back with a snarky reply of his own," So you'll just run away? Fucking overdose again?" with the barrel of the gun still trained on Justin._

_"Clay, come on." came Justin's hurt reply._

_Clay's rage and anger had slowly been replaced by desperation as Hannah continued her torturous recitation of Bryce's actions, and that desperation was starting to seep into his voice._

_"I can't count on anyone else anymore. I have to do this myself."_

_"You don't have to do this yourself. We can get him tomorrow" Justin countered, his growing fear seeping into his voice._

_"I need to do it now." Clay reiterated, desperate urgency seeped into his tone._

_"Why?" justin retorted._

_Hannah's words were starting to take their toll on Clay. He screwed his eyes shut in agony as the next words of Tape 12 were recited back to him. 'I just tried to leave my body. I tried to forget the anger and pain.' He felt the tears burn his eyes and fall down his face as he opened his eyes, turning his gaze back to Justin._

_"For Hannah." he brokenly replied with his voice breaking towards the end._

_Justin's fear and panic had spiked when he heard the crack in Clay's voice. He used it to fuel his next words, never breaking eye contact with him._

_"Listen Clay, I know you loved her, but she's gone. And going in there and hurting Bryce now it not going to bring her back. She's gone."_

_Clay turned his gaze to the deceased girl, who was now walking closer to him, still reciting the tape in agonizing detail. 'If you're lucky, you live a long life, and one day, your body just gives up and it's over.'_

_"How do I make her stop?" Clay brokenly pleads,not taking his eyes off of the Baker girl, "She won't stop."_

_Justin looks at him in confusion,"Make who stop? Who, Clay? Who are you talking about?"_

_When Hannah wouldn't listen to his plea for her to stop, Clay put the barrel of the gun to his temple, the tears on his bruised face falling harder as his breaths start to get heavier. This immediately causes Justin's panic to spike as he starts to plead with Clay to lower the gun, not knowing that he's being forced to listen to the damned tape,_

_"Clay, come on."_

_Clay lets out an anguished sob as Justin tries to coarse Clay into lowering the handheld weapon," Just stop. Give me the gun."_

_Clay's eyes lock with Bryce's as the senior walks out of his house. The final words of the 12th tape ring in his ear," And in that moment it felt...it felt like I was already dead," as he finally started to lower the gun from his head, taking a final look at the gun and Hannah before meeting Bryce's shocked gaze once more._

_Clay keeps his bleary gaze on the rapist as he emotionlessly says,"He's gonna keep doing it. We have to stop him Justin."_

_"Not like this." Justin replies, not taking his eyes off of Clay._

_Bryce turns towards the door, stating that he's going to call the cops. Justin stops him and tells him to told off on that._

_"It's never gonna get any better. You were right to run away." Clay says as he breaks his gaze from Bryce, his voice breaking as he plants his eyes on the ground._

_"No, I wasn't.'" Justin starts, still keeping the pleading tone in his voice," That's why you came and got me, remember? For Jess, for Hannah-"_

_"Hannah wants him dead," Clay cuts in with a whisper, his bloodshot eyes meeting Justin's._

_Justin looks Clay in the eyes as he counters," No, I don't think she does. I don't think she wants to keep seeing people get hurt. I don't. Okay?" Justin reaches for the gun in Clay's right hand, never breaking the eye contact once. Clay gives a broken sigh as Justin takes the weapon from his hand and gives a blank stare._

_A few moments pass before Clay registers that Justin is guiding him back to the car. Justin opens the passenger side door, sits Clay down,shuts the door, and makes his way to the driver's side, but not before he gives Bryce a final word,_

_"Bryce, I have nothing left to lose. That makes me the dangerous one." Justin proceeds to get into the vehicle, driving off without a word, with Clay still trapped in his head, blank stare still on his face._

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	2. Justin-Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm is mentioned in this chapter. If you are struggling with it, I suggest that you pick a different story to read. 
> 
> Also, I have never self harmed, but I have done my research. So, refrain from commenting about something if I accidentally got it wrong. With that, here's chapter 2.

Clay's sobs only grew louder and louder as he continued to lay on the floor of the otherwise empty outhouse. His body heaved as the gut wrenching sobs continued to escape his mouth. His sobs were the only noise that could be heard throughout the space that he called home. 

"Why him?!" the teenager choked out in between sobs. "Why did it have to be my brother?! Why did you have to hurt everyone I've ever loved?!"

The tears started to stream down his face faster and faster as he ran a hand over the self- inflicted scars that decorated the inside of his forearms. The memory of Justin finding out about the shameful marks hits him like a wrecking ball and makes his sobs grow louder and louder. 

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

_Justin had only been home for 15 minutes before he heard the sobs radiating inside the house. It only took him a few seconds to recognize the sobs as coming from his brother before he made a mad dash up the stairs and made his way to the bathroom. As Justin approached the bathroom door, an uneasy feeling started to bubble up inside his gut, as if something was horribly wrong._

_"Clay? Are you okay?" Justin called out cautiously as he knocked on the door just loud enough so he knew his brother could hear._

_"Go away Justin. I'm fine." Clay snapped, his voice cracking slightly because of him trying to stifle his sobs._

_"Come on man, I know you aren't. Open the door." Justin responded._

_"No. Please Justin. Just, go away." Clay tried again, pleading._

_"You know that I'm not gonna do that, man. Open the door or I will." Justin states in a firm voice._

_The only thing that Justin got in response to that were more wailing sobs from his brother. With each minute that passed, it broke his heart more and more. After a few minutes went by with Clay seemingly not answering his brother's request, Justin took a deep breath and opened the door, revealing something that he couldn't imagine._

_Justin looked at his brother in horror as he noticed the trail of blood running down the inside of Clay's left forearm and at the bloody razor blade in his right hand. Not wanting to startle Clay, Justin gingerly made his way into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him before looking at his brother again._

_As soon as Clay's bloodshot eyes met Justin's panicked and concerned eyes, it was as if a dam ruptured. All the emotions that Clay tried to bury deep inside spilled to the surface all at once as he sank to the floor of the bathroom, dropping the blade onto the porcelain countertop. Justin didn't miss a beat before quickly making his way to his side and pulling him into his arms._

_Clay leaned into his brother's shoulder as Justin whispered words of comfort to the fragile teen while simultaneously wrapping the cuts in toilet paper in order to temporarily stop the bleeding. "Shhh. It's okay bro. I'm right here. It's gonna be okay." Justin soothed._

_"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Clay gasped between sobs._

_"I know you are." Justin responded._

_Silence fell between the two for a few moments as Clay's sobs had started to slow to a mere sniffle. After doing the makeshift toilet paper tourniquet to stop the blood flow from his brother's wounds, Justin started to rub circles on his brother's bicep with his thumb in attempt to sooth the broken teen, all the while thinking_ Why Clay? Why would you do this to yourself? How long have you been doing this to yourself? _These questions kept circling around his head, but he kept them to himself. His main priority right now is being there for his brother._

_Justin started to feel Clay's tense body start to relax as his sobs grew softer and softer. He looked down and saw that Clay had dropped his head onto his shoulder. Justin nudged Clay's shoulder._

_"You okay bro? Ready to go back to the Outhouse?"_

_All Justin received in response was a nod from his brother as an indication of acknowledgement. "Okay." he responded. In response to this, Justin slowly and cautiously helped his brother stand up. Just before leaving the bathroom, he made sure to grab the first aid kit that he knew the Jensen's kept under the sink._

_Keeping a gentle, yet firm grip on his brother's arm, making sure to avoid the open wounds that were scattered on the Jensen male's skin, Justin gingerly led Clay down the stairs and outback to their shared living space. Whenever Justin would sneak a look at his brother, he saw the blank stare that Clay had on his face, indicating that Clay wasn't in the place to start a conversation._

_Upon entering the outhouse, Justin immediately brought Clay to his bed and sat him down, getting to work on cleaning up the bloody cuts that decorated his skin._

_A silence filled the room as Justin unwrapped the bloody toilet paper from his brother's arm, tossing it into the garbage pail near the foot of Clay's bed and started to concentrate on cleaning and dressing the open cuts on Clay's arms. While doing this, Justin took notice of the older scars that littered his brother's arm. His heart broke at this for him._ How long has he been doing this? Since Bryce? Since Tyler? Since Hannah? 

_Clay kept the vacant and empty look on his face, barely recognizing his brother's actions, as Justin finished dressing the cuts on his brother's arms. He put the rest of the unused medical supplies back into the first aid kit and placed the kit on the shelf beside his bed, making a mental note to return it later._

_Justin stares at his brother with a concerned look on his face. A sense of deja vu hits him from when he found his brother with a bong in his hands and a cloud of smoke releasing from his lips at the Find Your Drink party a few months ago. Silence other than Clay's heavy breathing filled the room, growing thicker and more uncomfortable by the minute._

_A few moments pass before Justin decides he wants to break the uncomfortable silence. "Why Clay? Why would you do this to yourself?"_

_Justin's questions break Clay out of his trance. He doesn't know how to answer those questions though. What could he possibly say to justify what he does? He doesn't even understand it completely. But, nonetheless, he tries to gather his thoughts enough to answer. "It gets too much Justin. This life, everything, it gets too much." He breathes out._

_"What do you mean 'it gets too much' Clay? What does that mean?" Justin asks, trying to shove his lasting sense of panic down._

_Clay brings his gaze to meet his brother's eyes as he continues,"All these secrets, all the lies, all the shit that we have been through the past couple of years and not being able to talk to anyone about it in fear of going to jail? It's too much for me to handle. It's too much for anyone to handle." Clay's voice starts to fade at the end._

_"What about Dr. Ellman? Isn't that what he's for? To talk to freely?" Justin asks curiously._

_Clay starts to feel an odd sense of anger building up inside of him. He certainly isn't angry at Justin, but Justin was the one in front of him, so he unloaded all of it onto him. "He's a mandated fucking reporter Justin. That means if I say too much about any of the shit we did, he's required to go to the cops with it. So, it's easier just to keep it to myself."_

_Justin lets out an unintended scoff at this. "So cutting yourself was the next best thing that you thought off? What makes you think that purposely hurting yourself was an okay way to deal with it Jensen?"_

_"You don't get it Justin!" Clay shouts," Out of the million things in my fucking life that I have no fucking control over, doing this is the one thing that I can control."_

_Justin stands there in shock for a few seconds before his face softens at his brother's words. He doesn't know how to respond to it for a few seconds, as a million things start to swirl around n his head. He understands where his brother is coming from; it's a main reason why he turned to heroin as his drug of choice to take the edge off when he was on the street. He couldn't control what Seth did, he couldn't control what happened with his mom, he couldn't control what happened with Jessica, but he had all the control in the world of what he could put into his body._

_Justin can tell that Clay doesn't to talk about it, but he understands that this isn't something that he can ignore. He takes a deep breath before asking his next question. "How long has this been going on Clay?"_

_"Since Spring Fling happened. I couldn't eat because I had no appetite, I couldn't sleep because of all the nightmares of Tyler pointing his gun at me. Everyday felt like a living nightmare waiting to happen, and I couldn't take it anymore." Clay said with tears starting to fill his eyes._

_"Does anyone else know?" Justin pushes gently as he takes a seat next to his brother._

_"No. no one else knows. And they aren't going to know." Clay finishes._

_"Clay-"  
_

_"No Justin. No one else can know about this. Our friends already count on me to be the strong one out of everyone, to be the unbreakable one. I can't tell them." Clay's states, the tears starting to run on his face faster._

_"Okay, fine. I won't tell the group. But, what about your folks? Don't they deserve to know about it?" Justin asks cautiously, trying to tread lightly._

_Clay shakes his head before answering. "Mom and dad already worried enough about me. And they already think that me seeing Dr. Ellman is helping. It's easier just to let them believe that. I can't add one more thing on their plate."_

_Justin wants to push the subject more, but concedes for his brother's sake only. He knows that if he keeps pushing him, Clay is just going to give more excuses on how he can't, or rather won't, say anything. He changes gears to get his brother's attention._

_"Okay. But, can you promise me one thing Clay?" justin asks._

_"What?"_

_Justin takes a deep breath before continuing, taking his brother's hand in his own. " You know that I will do anything I can to help you, but I can't be the only one. Can you please talk to Dr. Ellman when you have your appointment tomorrow? And if you can't find it in you to do it for yourself, can you please try to do it for me?"_

_"Justin---"_

_"Please Clay? In no fucking universe do I believe that this is easy for you. I just want you healthy and happy. I don't want to lose you." Justin says, his voice cracking._

_Clay ponders this for a moment. He understands where his brother is coming from. And he knows that he can't continue to hurt himself like this. He knows that he needs to tell his parents and Dr. Ellman. But at the same time, he's scared shitless. What's going to happen when the bomb drops? How is he going to face Ellman, his parents, Justin, or himself again? What if-_

_Clay shakes those thoughts away before responding to Justin's question. "Okay, I'll tell Dr.Ellman. But just know, I am only doing so for you."_

_"That's all I ask bro. I love you man." Justin says._

_"Yeah. Me too." Clay responds with a teary smile._

_Justin pulls Clay into his shoulder and the rest of the night is spent with Clay's sobs and Justin's whispers of comfort filling the air of the Outhouse._

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Reflecting upon that memory, he remembers what happened when he had finally showed his scars to Dr.Ellman the following day. He remembers how scared he felt, the concerned look that painted his therapist's face. He also remembers how they immediately talked about healthier alternatives over the next few sessions, like the rubber band trick, the drawing on the skin thing, and even the journalling thing. They ultimately decided that drawing was a good fit, seeing as it was already an interest of his. 

That was a month ago. And he had been clean since then, despite the occasional times that the urge to pick up the blade again had been stronger than others. But he also had Justin; he helped distract him when sketching in his sketchbook wasn't enough. It was those times where Justin would take him to see a movie, or hang out with the rest of the gang, or whatever else he had up his sleeve. 

But Justin was gone. The person who saved him, the person who picked him up whenever he fell, his everything. Dead. 

With that, Clay gathered enough energy to pick himself up from the floor and made his way to the bathroom sink. When he looked in the mirror, he almost didn't recognize who he saw staring back at him. His bloodshot eyes, the dark circles that stood out against the his pale skin, the way his hair was so messy. He choked on his tears as he opened up the medicine cabinet, where he was immediately greeted by an old friend. 

Clay's sobs were the only noise in the room as he picked up the blade. Justin had always hidden the blade, but he had forgotten to hide it from him when he got dressed for prom. The sobbing teenager ran his index finger down the blade's edge before placing it just above the crease of his left elbow. 

"I'm so sorry Justin." was the last thing Clay said before dragging the blade across his already scarred skin.


	3. Tell Your Folks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self harm.  
> Here is a lighter chapter focusing on Clay and Justin. The bold parts are meant to emphasize that Justin is a ghost. Also, spoiler warning for several references to past seasons, so read at your own risk. Now, may I present, Chapter 3. Enjoy!!

As Clay continued to make a second cut, then a third, then a fourth, he was startled by the ghostly figure of his brother looking at him through the reflection of the mirror. The tears that had ran down on his face had started to run faster and faster now that Clay had caught sight of his deceased brother, who took one look at the state he was in, and concern immediately painted his features. 

**"What are you doing Jensen? Why would you do this again?" Justin said, concerned.**

"I'm sorry Justin. I just can't do this without you." Clay gasped in between sobs.

**"Yes you can Clay. And you will. You can get through this."**

"How can I? I should have known something was wrong. It's all my fault." Clay cried out. 

**"Don't do that to yourself. There wasn't anyway that you could've known. It isn't your fault Clay. Now put down the blade." Justin pleaded.**

"How am I supposed to live with that? Please, tell me how I am supposed to do this without you?" Clay pleaded to his brother.

**"Anyway you can, bro, just not like this. You can't go down this road again. Just please, put down the blade."**

Those words ring in Clay's ears. He remembers when Tony had told him those same exact words after he listened to his tape. He remembers feeling the all too familiar grief and pain that he's feeling right now as Tony guided him from the edge of that cliff. It's those words that manage to convince him to put the blood soaked blade down on the bathroom sink. 

The stinging pain radiating from the wounds is what managed to snap the 18 year old out of the trance he had slipped into. He scrambled for the roll of bandages and the disinfectant that resided in the medicine cabinet. He let out a hiss of pain as he put the disinfectant on the open sores before wrapping the bandage around them. He returned the unused bandages and disinfectant to their place on the shelf before shutting the medicine cabinet and turning back to his brother. 

**"Good job bro. Please throw the blade away. You don't need it."**

Clay gives a sad scoff at Justin as he, rather reluctantly, tosses the blade in the small trash can by the sink before looking his brother in the eyes. "How can you be so sure that I don't need it Justin? You're gone. What if it gets too much to handle again? What happens then?"

**Justin gives a sympathetic smile. "Because I know you better than I know anyone else, besides Jessica. And I think you are so strong. And if it gets too much again, that's when you go to your folks Clay."**

"Justin, you know why I can't-" Clay starts. 

**"Yeah I know why you didn't want to tell your folks. And I understand that you must be scared shitless about it. I was feeling the same way at thanksgiving when I admitted that I hadn't stayed clean." Justin cuts in.**

Clay remembers Thanksgiving well. He remembers how afraid Justin seemed when he opened his mouth and admitted to still using heroin. He also remembers how he was tempted to admit to hurting himself, but had chickened out because he thought that his parents didn't need to worry about both of their children.

Clay gives a small smile before responding. "I actually wanted to tell all of you at Thanksgiving."

**Justin was shocked at this. "Then why didn't you?"**

"After you admitted to not staying clean, I chickened out. I didn't think that they needed to deal with two struggling teenagers. They had enough on their plates." Clay responds. 

**"Clay-"Justin starts.**

"I know, I know it's not an excuse. I wasn't lying. When I said that I was grateful to be alive. That was the truth."

**Justin gives Clay a small smile. "I'm glad you were. And I was also grateful that you were alive. And I saw the looks on your parents' faces; they were grateful too."**

**Justin sees a small smile spread across his brother's face before continuing. "Will you please tell your parents about this? Since I'm not around anymore, you're going to need someone else to help you through this. No one gets through this life alone man."**

Clay ponders this thought for a few moments, the weight of his brother's words ringing in his ears. He knows that Justin's right. He understands that he needs to tell his parents about his scars, both old and new. He understands that he's avoided telling his parents about this for far too long. But, like Justin said, he's scared shitless. He's scared of what his parents are going to think, of how they're going to react. 

With this, Clay takes a deep breath before responding to his brother's request. "Okay, I'll tell them. But, can you be there when I do?"

**"Will you tell them today?" Justin asks.**

"Yeah, I will." Clay responds, taking a breath. 

**Justin gives his brother a smile, sticking his hands in the pockets of the letterman jacket that he's wearing. "Then yeah, I'll say. I'll meet you in there." Justin states as he starts to fade away.  
**

"Wait you meant now?" Clay asks.

**"Yeah I meant now dumbass." Justin says affectionately. "What, did you really think that I was going to let you skip out on this?"  
**

"No. I just...didn't think that you meant right this second. I don't really know how to tell them."

**Justin comes more into focus as he looks straight at his brother, never taking his eyes off of him. "Just tell them the truth Clay. I know this isn't going to be easy. In no way in fucking hell do I ever think that. But you know the longer you keep putting this off, you are going to regret it more."**

"Yeah I know. You're right." Clay concedes. 

**"Aren't I always?" Justin responds with a cheeky grin.**

"Way to ruin the moment Justin. Who knew that you were such an arrogant asshole even in death? I guess some things never change."

**"You guessed right. I'll see you in there. You've got this." Justin finishes as he fades away.**

Clay takes a deep breath before making leaving the Outhouse, shutting the door behind him, and making his way towards the main house. He shakes all of the _What if's_ out of his head as he tries to focus on Justin's words. And with this, he opens the door to the main house and steps inside, shutting it behind him before making his way to the living room where he sees his parents on the couch, looking at their family photo. 

Clay takes a deep breath as he sees Justin's ghostly figure pop up on the lounge chair beside the couch. Justin mouths **_good luck_ **and gives him a reassuring smile, prompting Clay to begin. 

"Mom, Dad. I need to tell you something..." Clay starts. 


	4. Its okay not to be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter!  
> Meaning of the title: Jessica would want to tell Clay that it's okay to not be okay. I hope that this theme is present in the chapter.

"Mom, Dad. I need to tell you something-" Clay starts.

He was cut off by someone knocking on the front door. His mother gave her son a sympathetic smile, excused herself and got up from her spot at the couch and made her way towards the front door , leaving him, his father, and the ghost figure of Justin in the living room. Clay snuck a look at his brother with a questioning look on his face, to which Justin just gave a shrug of his shoulders. 

A few moments passed by before Lainie came back into the living room with Jessica in tow. Clay gave her the same questioning look he gave his brother before greeting her. "Hey Jess. How are you? What are you doing here?"

Jess gave Clay a teary smile and took a deep breath before answering. "Hey Clay. I'm as fine as I can be I guess."

"Yeah. I get that." Clay agreed. 

"And to answer your second question, I was thinking about you and your folks. I wanted to see how you guys were doing." Jessica finished. 

It was Matt's turn to speak up. "That's really kind of you Jessica. We're...hanging in there."

"Yes, thank you Jessica. It's been hard on all three of us." Lainie piped up. "But it must be hard for you. How has it been for you? If you don't mind me asking."

"It's like you said, Mrs. Jensen. It's been hard." Jessica agreed sympathetically. 

Lainie gives Jessica a nod of acknowledgement before turning her attention to her son. "So Clay. You said that you had something you wanted to tell us?" She asks with concern. 

Clay's face pales when his mother asks him this. As Jessica looks at him in confusion, his words seem to get caught in his throat. He hadn't planned on telling Jessica or the others about the scars that decorated his arms. The same scared-shitless feeling that had plagued him before had come back. He rubs his suddenly sweaty palms on his jeans. 

"Umm...nothing mom. Just that I tell you that Dean Foundry asked me to give a speech at graduation." He lies. Well, the fact itself isn't a lie, but not it's also not what he came into the living room for. 

A look of skepticism flashes across Lainie's face for a brief moment before a sad and slightly sympathetic smile creeps onto her face. "That's great honey. I know that you're going to do great." She says, giving her son a side hug. 

"Your mother's right kiddo. I bet you're going to give a wonderful speech. And if you want, I can look it over once you're done writing it, to give you some pointers and stuff like that." Matt added, joining the hug. 

"Thanks guys. I'll think about it dad." Clay states thoughtfully. 

As Clay untangled himself from his parents' embrace, he looked over and caught Jessica's wide eyes. At first, he didn't understand why she was giving him that look until he followed gaze and saw what she was looking at; his right sleeve had been pushed up while he had untangled himself from his parents.

He looked back up and saw Jessica starting to open her mouth to say something, to which he cut her off. "Hey Jess. How about we go out back to the Outhouse and hang out for a bit?" Clay asked, a fake smile painting his features. 

Jessica hesitantly nodded her approval before following Clay outback to the Outhouse, leaving Matt and Lainie in the living room with mildly confused looks on their faces. 

The minute that Jessica entered the Outhouse, she immediately made her way and planted herself on Justin's empty bed, sitting directly across from her friend. A few moments of uncomfortable silence had fell between them, with Clay doing all that he can to avoid Jessica's eyes. When this silence became unbearable, she decided to break it. 

"So, are you going to tell me what the marks on your wrist are or am I supposed to guess?" Jessica asked rhetorically. 

Clay's nerves kicked into overdrive the minute that his eyes met Jessica's. There isn't any way that he could possibly justify the scars that he made into his skin. _How could I explain what went through my head when I did this? How could I possibly explain that?_

Clay took a deep breath before he opened his mouth. "I need to show you something. Can you promise me that you won't judge me too much for it?" he asked. 

That question hit below the belt a little for Jessica, as the memory of when Clay had told her and the rest of the gang about everything that he did while dissociating flooded her mind. She remembers how she seemed more concerned about their secrets coming out that she didn't give a thought to Clay's mental health then. She also remembers going home after that and immediately regretting doing that to her friend, thinking _I told him that he was the most breakable. And yet, all of us have treating him as if he was unbreakable._

She brushed those thoughts away and gave her friend a gentle smile. "Of course I won't." she said with a gentle tone. 

Clay took a deep breath before pushing up both of the sleeves of his jacket, tears threatening to spill over onto his face. 

Jessica's heart broke as soon as she saw the cuts that ran up her friend's arms. She saw that some of them were old and had faded while a few had clearly looked fresh and new. She couldn't contain the gasp that escaped her throat. She let a few tears escape her eyes before taking a deep breath and speaking. 

"Why Clay? Why would you do this to yourself?" Jessica asks. 

"This life Jess...this life got too much to deal with." Clay responds, the tears that were threatening to escape before now falling freely. 

"What do you mean by that?" She asks as gentle as she can, her pulse spiking just a little bit. 

"Everything that happened, Hannah, the trial, Spring Fling, Bryce; it all became too heavy for me to carry on my shoulders. I just wanted some sort of escape from the fucked up world we live in." Clay chokes out. 

That answer shook Jessica to her very core. The answer stirred all sorts of emotions deep inside her. She understood what her friend was saying, how hard it was getting to keep all of the secrets that plagued their inner circle. She remembers feeling the similar heaviness when Justin had lied to her about Bryce raping her, how she turned to alcohol in an attempt to erase the flashbacks that she had. Nonetheless, even though she understood where her friend was coming from, his admission shattered her heart to pieces. 

She took a deep breath to collect her thoughts before opening her mouth once more. "Does anyone else know about this Clay?"

Clay brought his teary eyes to meet Jessica's. The all too familiar feelings of shame and guilt spread in his chest when he saw the heartbroken look in her eyes. He didn't mean to hurt her, to burden her with more of his issues. He took a deep breath before answering. 

"Justin knew. He heard me crying in the bathroom one day when he came home from his shift at Monet's before he got fired. " He replied, his sobs quieting down to sniffles. 

"Have you told your folks?"

"I was going to today. But you came over and I chickened out. "

Jessica nodded her head in acknowledgement at that. She understands to an extent how scary it is for Clay to tell his parents about something so personal. She remembers acting the same exact way when she told her father about what had happened to her at her party.

She gave him a look of sympathy and empathy. "Yeah, I get it. Can I ask you something?"

Her friend responded with a nod of his head. "When...when was the last time you've..." Jessica broke off, trying to pick her words carefully and gently. 

"About an hour ago, when we came home from the hospital. But before that, I was clean for about a month." Clay responded hesitantly, bowing his head. 

"Okay. Do you want me to stay and keep you company? We can go to Monet's or Rosies or we can watch a movie here? Get your mind off of it." Jessica suggests.

"Yeah, I think a movie sounds good right about now."

Jessica nods before getting up from her spot on Justin's bed and made her way towards the TV. She was about to open up the cabinet under the TV, where she knew the boys kept their collection of movies when she heard Clay asking her a question. She turned her head and saw the look of hesitation on her friend's face as he made his way towards the couch. 

"Can you please not tell the others about...it?" He asks, planting himself on the couch. 

"Of course I won't." She replies gently. 

"Thanks. I'm just not ready for them to know yet." Clay says in relief.

"It's no problem Clay. Just, please promise me that if it gets too rough again, if you get the urge to do that again, please call or text me. You know that I would be there for you no matter what." She states. 

"I will. I promise." He responds softly with a smile. 

"Okay. Now, how does Goosebumps sound?" She asks, returning the smile. 

"I think that sounds great Jess. I am a huge fan of Jack Black. He's hilarious in this movie."

And with that, Jessica put the movie into the DVD player before making her way to the couch next to Clay and pushed play. 


	5. Panic Room

After Jessica left him in the solitude of the Outhouse after their movie had ended, the only thing Clay did was move to his bed where he proceeded to stay buried under his covers for the remainder of the weekend. His parents and the rest of his friends had come to the Outhouse sporadically throughout the weekend in order to check on grieving teen, only to be met with either tense silence or heartbreaking sobs that echoed throughout garage-turned loft. While he tried to keep the promise that he had made to Jessica to call or text her whenever the urge to turn to the blade had become stronger than usual, he couldn't help but feel his world becoming considerably darker and duller.

The following Monday had come around too soon for the grieving teen's liking. He found that it took a considerable amount of energy to get himself out of bed when he awoke, or, more accurately, was snapped from the overwhelming and paralyzing thoughts that ran through his head night after night, to the harsh shrill of the alarm. 

He let out a groan as he swung his hand at his alarm clock to stop the infuriating sound and threw his sheets off of him for the first time in the three days since he had returned home from the hospital after Justin died. He threw his legs over the side of the bed, stood up and sluggishly changed into his outfit for the day, which consisted of a black t-shirt, jeans, black leather jacket and his black and white Converse sneakers. After lacing up his sneakers, he sluggishly made his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth, sighing to himself when he caught a glimpse of the dark purple bags that resided underneath his eyes. 

After brushing his teeth, he quickly made his way back towards the table where his backpack was, grabbing it along with his house and car keys, and making his way out of the Outhouse, all the while going out of his way to avoid catching a glimpse of the bed that belonged to his brother, as he would know it bring tears to his eyes.

The 15 minute car ride from the Jensen residence to Liberty High went by in a blur. Clay was so wrapped up in his own head that he couldn't even remember stopping at Monet's until he looked down at the cupholder and saw the familiar empty to-go coffee cup when he pulled the prius into the school parking lot and shutting it off. He took a deep breath to collect his rampaging thoughts before grabbing his backpack, exiting the vehicle, locking it, and making his way towards the doors of the place that made him the epicenter of all the cruel and stupid shit that happened over the past 2 years. 

Upon entering the building, Clay immediately felt everyone's eyes on him as he walked the familiar halls and heard the indiscret whispers that people shared with their friends. The longer he attempted to ignore the whispers and the intense stares, he felt his heartbeat pick up speed, a sign that his anxiety was threatening to overpower him.

When he made it to his locker, he was surprised to find Tony waiting for him. He took a deep breath in an attempt to slow down his steadily increasing heart rate before approaching Tony and the locker. 

"Hey Tony." he said while turning the lock in accordance to his combination and opening it. 

"Hey Clay. How are you doing man?" Tony asked, concern lacing his voice. 

"I'm fine." Clay replied shortly, grabbing his AP Calculus textbook. 

"Are you sure? I mean, you don't look fine." Tony pushed. 

"I'm sure Tony, thanks for noticing." Clay answered with slight irritation seeping into his voice as he puts his book into his bag and shuts the locker. 

"Okay, Okay, man. I'm just trying to look out for you." Tony conceded merely for his friend's sake. 

"I know, and it's appreciated." Clay replied, turning to his friend. 

"Do you want to hang out after school today? Grab a bite to eat? Talk about Justin?" Tony asks carefully and gently. 

Clay's heart rate spikes at Tony's mention of his brother's name as he freezes in his tracks. He can feel his chest tightening like it's being trapped in a vice grip, making it harder for him to breath. He feels his hands start to shake slightly. 

Tony immediately knows what's happening and jumps into action as his concern grows as he for his friend. "Clay, breathe. It's okay." he soothes. 

Clay tries to follow Tony's words by attempting to take deep breaths. _Just breathe Clay. You're fine._ He only succeeds in making himself hyperventilate more than he already was. It is then that he notices the world around him start to blur slightly around the edges. 

"T-T-Tony...I can't...I can't breathe." Clay breathes out in a whisper as he feels his legs weaken, causing him to slump backwards against the locker, dropping his backpack in the process. 

"Clay!" Tony shouts as he lunges forward in an attempt to catch his friend before he hits the locker. He is a second too late though, as Clay accidentally hits the back of his head against the hard metal before sinking to the floor, his vision fading completely. 

Tony immediately and quickly runs to his best friend's side and crouches to his knees. He rushes to take off his jacket to slow the bleeding from where Clay's head hit the metal before reaching his hands out to shake Clay's shoulders in attempt to wake up his now unconscious friend. "Clay, Clay can you hear me?" Tony asks urgently. 

Getting no answer from his friend, Tony immediately scoops his friend up, wrapping Clay's right arm around him for a better grip, and trudges his way to the nurse's office. He hadn't noticed the growing crowd that had gathered around them until then, so he had to dodge multiple students while trying to support his unconscious friend's weight. 

"Get the hell out of my way!" Tony shouted at them. 

Most of the students had managed to get the hint and started clear away. Tony then noticed Alex and Charlie coming towards them. He immediately called out for them. 

"Charlie! Alex! Help me get him to the nurse!" Tony shouted at them. 

Charlie and Alex immediately ran towards Tony and their unconscious friend. "What happened to him?" Charlie asked, going to Clay's left side to help carry Clay. 

"He had a panic attack and accidentally hit his head on the lockers. I mentioned talking about Justin a little bit ago and I think that's what set him off." Tony replied. 

Charlie immediately nods in understanding and sympathy for his friend. He had gone through a very similar situation with Alex and his TBI induced panic attack during the infamice shooter drill. Tony takes a quick glimpse at Alex. "Can you go grab his bag? It's by his locker." he instructs. 

Alex merely nods and runs to get Clay's backpack as his boyfriend and Tony make their way with their unconscious friend to the nurse. 


	6. Clay

Clay woke up dizzy to an excruciating headache and his entire body aching. All of his limbs felt like they were being weighed down by lead. It took him a while to somewhat register that he was lying on his own bed back in the Outhouse, which slightly confused him since he couldn't remember getting home. 

Fighting the dizziness and the wave of nausea that suddenly overcame him, he struggled to raise his head just enough to be able to look to his right, where he blearily saw Tony sitting on Justin's bed seemingly texting someone. He tried squinting his eyes to get his vision to reagust, but it only increased the dizziness, causing him to drop his head back onto the pillow. 

"Tony?" Clay called out weakly. 

"Clay, you're awake." Tony replied, grateful. 

Clay could only barely register the slight crack in his friend's voice due to his current condition, which he still didn't know completely. The last thing that he remembers before passing out is hitting the back of his head against his locker, hard, and sinking to the ground. 

"What...what happened? Where am I?" Clay asks, his voice coming out hoarse. 

"You had a panic attack and passed out. You also hit your head on the locker and accidentally gave yourself a mild concussion. Me and Charlie immediately carried you to the nurse." Tony replied. 

"Oh." Clay replied softly in response. He would have given his friend a nod if he could trust that it wouldn't cause him to pass out again or make him want to puke his guts out. "How long was I out?"

"About six hours." Tony answered softly and gently. 

The thing that still confused him was how he got home considering that he took his car to school today. "How did I get home?" He asked, dazed and confused beyond reason. 

"I took you home. The nurse was able to treat the concussion since it wasn't bad enough that it required you to go to the hospital."Tony answered. 

"But...my car..." Clay faded out, his eyes starting to flutter shut and becoming light headed again. 

"I gave Jessica your keys so she could bring your car back. She walked to school and I think Alex gave her a ride back, so don't worry about that." Tony reassures his friend. 

Clay weakly gives Tony a hum in acknowledgment, his head and body hurting too much to even attempt to try anything else. 

"Do...do my parents know?" Clay faintly breathes out, struggling to keep his eyes open.

"They do, but don't worry about that. Just go to sleep Clay. You look like you want to." Tony replies, a sympathetic smile creeping onto his face. 

Before Clay has the chance to acknowledge his friend's comment, he stops trying to keep his eyes open, allowing them to shut on their own, and falling back asleep. 

As Tony pulled the covers over his sleeping friend, tucking him in like a child, he couldn't help but think back on the scars that he noticed when he was driving his unconscious friend home. His brain couldn't help but go to the worse case scenario. He didn't want to think that Clay would do that to himself, especially given the way that they both had lost Hannah, but he decided to keep that piece of information to himself. 

_Maybe he tripped on a branch and accidentally cut his wrist._ He thinks as he plants himself on Justin's bed again, _he is known to be quite clumsy._

And it's true. Tony remembers how Clay always managed to trip over his own two feet when Tony would try to teach him how to dance when they were kids, which is something that Tony knows Clay would try to deny if he brought it up. He also remembers how Clay would always come into the shop because he would constantly fall off his bike. That had come to a point where Tony almost banned Clay from ever touching a bike again, in fear that he would hurt himself worse someday. 

Tony is broken out of his thoughts when he hears a soft knock at the door to the Outhouse. He quietly gets up off of Justin's bed, making sure not to disturb his sleeping friend by making too much noise, before making his way to the door, opening it to reveal Alex and Charlie. 

"Hey guys, come in." Tony motions them in quietly, shutting the door behind them. "Just try to keep your voices down. He just fell asleep again."

The two boys nod in understanding. "Okay. That makes sense." Charlie whispers. 

"Yeah. The nurse said that he would be sleepy. It's just best to let him sleep. It looks like he hasn't been sleeping much, so he definitely needs it." Tony agrees. 

"So, what can we do right now? To help him?" Alex pipes up in a curious and concerned whisper. 

Tony doesn't know how to answer his friend's question. The group was was so occupied with trying to keep their cover that they didn’t stop to notice the obvious mental fucking torture that plagued Clay. They collectively had dismissed their friend's constant paranoia, the large and deep dark circles under his eyes, and the large durations that Clay would zone out as just him stressing out. 

Tony takes a deep breath as he looks at his unconscious friend. _He looks at peace when he's sleeping. Why couldn't we see that he was suffering?_

He turns his glance back to Alex and Charlie, who both have concern painting their faces. "We be there for him. He isn't going to be okay for a while but he will be someday. That's all we can hope for after all the bullshit that's happened to him over the past couple of years.” Tony states. 

The two other boys nod their heads in joint agreement and understanding. They all understand that it's going to be a long road for Clay to be able to get to a place where he is comfortable enough to open up to them. They recognize that they have to be patient and that they need to wait for Clay to open up on his own time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's chapter 6!! Gotta love that minor (?) cliffhanger right? Stay tuned for chapter 7. Will try to get it up in the next few days at least.


	7. I'm Gonna Stand by You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without further ado, here's Chapter 7. I wanted another slightly happier chapter with Tony being there for Clay before diving into heavier stuff, so this is what I came up with. I hope you enjoy.

"Thanks for stopping by guys." Tony says to Charlie and Alex in a whisper, opening the door to the Outhouse. "I'll tell Clay that you stopped by when he wakes up."

"It's not a problem, Tony." Charlie replies. 

"Yeah, we'll always be there for him. Even when he gets blatantly annoyed with our presence." Alex whispers in a playfully sarcastic tone. 

Tony lets out a soft chuckle at Alex's comment as he ushers the couple out the door. "Bye guys."

Charlie and Alex give a nod to his comment just before Tony shuts the door behind him, turning his attention back to his sleeping friend under the covers in his bed. He is hit with a pang of sympathy as he makes his way to Clay's sleeping form, planting himself on Justin's bed as he glances over to the dark purple bags that stood out on his pale skin. 

Tony lets out a heavy breath that he hadn't realized he was holding in. He looks at the sleeping form of his friend as he starts to speak in the same soft tone he used earlier."You haven't been doing well, since even before Justin. Everytime that I try to ask you what's wrong, you always give the same 'I'm fine' line, even though we both know that you're lying. I want to help you man, I want to be there for you now like I was with the tapes. But I don't know how. You keep pushing everyone away when they've been trying to help you. I just wish that you could let us in."

Tony didn't realize that his voice was breaking and tears were falling down his face until he could taste the salty substance in his mouth when he stopped talking. He feels heartbroken that his friend is pushing everyone that he knows who cares about him away, settling to suffer in silence. 

This gives Tony a terrifying sense of deja vu with some of the last interactions he had with Hannah. How she had asked him for his tape recorder, claiming that she was using it for a school project. He remembers feeling a wave of suspicion at this since, while he personally preferred the use of old media, even telling Hannah that it was "...like voice notes on your phone, but with way more style." 

Then he received that damned shoebox with her 13 suicide tapes and a duty to ensure that everyone who's on her tapes listens to them. Tony remembers listening to them, hoping and praying that Clay's name wouldn't pop up, fearing his friend's reaction if it did, and his heart immediately shattering to pieces when he heard Hannah's voice say his best friend's name. He remembers making a vow to himself that when the tapes made their way to Clay that he would stick by him, to help him through it, to be there for him no matter what happened. 

Looking back at that vow, all Tony feels now is deep regret for forcing his friend to listen to all of them. He regrets forcing Clay to listen to Hannah's monotone voice tell him that he was one of thirteen reasons why she killed herself, knowing just how both Clay and Hannah felt about each other. He now thinks that he should've destroyed the tapes before they made it to Clay's doorstep, and maybe, just maybe, the chain of events that happened as a result never would've happened, saving Clay the heartache and pain that permanently resided in his chest. 

Tony just sigs in defeat as he pulls his phone from his pocket,pulling up his text messages and shooting an update to both the Gordon Lightfoot group chat, which Tony always detested to calling it, thinking that Gordon Lightfoot was "the dumbest fucking code word" on the planet, and to Caleb, who Tony had confided in about what happened to Clay after he brought him home. 

_How is he?_ Caleb's text read. 

_Asleep. He was awake and out of it a little bit ago, but immediately passed out again after a few minutes._ Tony replied. 

_Poor kid. He doesn't deserve this._ Caleb wrote back after a few seconds. 

_No, he doesn't. I'm going to stay with him until he wakes up. I don't feel like it's a good idea to leave him alone right now._ Tony texted back. 

_Okay. Stay with him as long as you need, Tony. He needs his best friend right now._ Caleb responded. _Just keep me updated._

 _I will. I love you. <3\. _Tony replied back. 

_I love you too Tony <3\. _Caleb responded back. 

Tony then exited out of his messages and just started scrolling through his instagram, something that he never really used, when he started to hear his friend mumble incoherently in his sleep. He immediately dropped his phone onto the bed and turned his attention to his friend, who started to twitch slightly, hinting that he was having a nightmare. 

Tony left his place on Justin's bed and immediately kneeled by Clay, gripping his friend's shoulders in a gentle yet firm grip, shaking him gently in an attempt to wake him up. 

"Clay wake up!" Tony said urgently, " It's just a dream! It's not real, you're safe! Clay!"

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

_Meanwhile, in Clay's head, he was reliving the final moment that he shared with his brother. It wasn't a new scene by any means. During the few times when sleep would overpower him over the few days since he returned home from the hospital, the same heartbreaking scene would play out in front of his eyes, usually leaving him feeling paralyzed when he wakes up shaking and gasping for air._

_"Are you afraid?" Clay asks his brother, tears streaming down his face._

_"Yeah. I am." Justin replies, his voice hoarse in between labored breaths. Justin starts sobbing lightly as he raises a shaky hand towards his brother. Clay just looks at his brother's hand with the tears in his eyes running down his face faster.  
_

_"Will you hold...will you hold my hand... bro?" Justin shakily asks before letting out a choked sob, trying to cover it up with a chuckle._

_Clay returns the sad chuckle as he takes Justin's hand in his own. Justin lets out an even shakier breath just before he opens his mouth one last time._

_"Pease tell your parents. They deserve to know Clay. Please promise me."_

_"I promise." Clay replies in between his own sobs._

_The sound of Justin’s labored breaths and the all too familiar insistent beeping fills his ears as he continues to hold onto his brother's hand with their parents watching. He feels Justin's grip become looser and looser as tears are run down Clay's face, the sight of him softly gasping for breath until his hand lets go completely and a noise is heard…_

_...Beeeeeep….._

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Clay snaps awake suddenly after that, the beeping sound ringing in his ears, as he feels a pair of hands gripping his shoulders. It takes him a few moments to completely register that the hands gripping his shoulders belong to Tony. He immediately feels tears come into his eyes. 

"Tony.." he shakily calls out. 

"It's okay." Tony replies, getting up from his crouching position in order to sit next to his friend and embracing him in a hug, allowing Clay to sob freely into his shirt. "It was only a dream. I got you."

But what neither teen didn't realize in that moment of grief was what was going to happen next. In the word's of Hannah Baker, "It seems like nothing, until the hurricane hits." 


	8. Memories

A few moments passed while Clay continued to sob heavily into his friend's shoulder with Tony rubbing circles with his thumb on the taller male's shoulder in an attempt to soothe his friend. Tony started to feel tears start to sting at his eyes as he tried to comfort his sobbing friend. 

"Esta bien mi amigo" Tony soothes his friend gently in his native tongue before reverting back to English. "It was just a nightmare."

"He's gone, Tony!" Clay cries out in between his sobs. "Why did he have to leave me?!"

Tony felt his breath hitch just slightly. He took a deep breath before gathering up the courage to to give his friend an answer that he could only give him some solace. "I don't know. But I wish there was something could say or do."

Tony felt his heart shatter into a million pieces at his friend's question. He didn't know how to answer it beyond that. _How could I possibly answer that fucking question?_ Tony thought to himself. _What could I possibly say to ease the pain in his heart right now? He's gone through so much pain, and there isn't anything I can do to help him. God knows I want to help him..._ his thoughts wandered off. 

As Clay continued to sob into his best friend's chest, his heart began to feel like was being crushed by a heavy weight, a feeling that he knew all too well. Then, suddenly, it felt like there was no air left in the room; the safety and comfort that the room typically brought with it had abruptly faded away. He quickly felt the need to get out of the room before its' heaviness had the chance to swallow him whole. 

With that same abruptness, he threw Tony's hands off of him, and jumped off the bed before sprinting out the door, not grabbing his keys or phone while ignoring the concerned and confused look that had took shape on Tony's face. 

"Clay! Where the hell are you going?!" Tony called out, getting up from his spot on Justin's bed, grabbing his friend's keys from counter where Jessica put them earlier before chasing after him, but Clay's already out the door.

With the abrupt surge of adrenaline, ignoring the faint call from Tony, Clay just keeps running...and running....and running. All the thoughts his head, all the emotions in his heart are running rampant in his chest. _I can't stop it. I couldn't stop it,_ he thinks, _We can't_. _We're spinning and spinning,and we're about to disappear._ All he hears is the sound of the heavy breaths and beating of his heart. He doesn't have a specific location in mind, he just keeps running, letting his legs take him anywhere.

Meanwhile, Tony immediately jumps in his car, putting the keys into the ignition, and drives off to look for his friend. He picks up his phone and his first instinct to call Clay himself, but recalls that Clay left his phone in the Outhouse, so he goes with his second instinct and calls Jessica, since Tony knew that she and Clay had gotten closer in the past year, and puts it on speaker. 

His phone rings a couple of times before Jessica picks up. 

_"Hey Tony, you never call me. How's Clay-"_ Tony cuts her off. 

"You need to help me." Tony says quickly. 

_"Okay, okay what's wrong?"_ Jessica asks, concern seeping into her tone. 

"It's Clay. He had a nightmare just after Alex and Charlie left, and after I woke him up and tried to comfort him, he bolted. "

 _"Okay, come pick me up. I'm at my house. Why did you call me?"_ Jessica asks. 

"I know you and Clay have gotten closer in the past year, and I don't really want to incite a riot with the rest of the group." Tony responds, speeding his way over to Jessica's place. Panic induced adrenaline surged through his veins as he approached the Davis residence, which was maybe a 10 minute drive from the Jensen's. 

Jessica was already waiting on the sidewalk in front of her house when Tony pulled up and she didn't waste any time opening the passenger side door to his Mustang. She immediately did her seatbelt before Tony sped off. 

"Where we going first?" Jessica asked urgently.

"There's this cliff side that I took him to when he listened to his tape. I am seriously hoping he isn't there, but it seems like a good place to start." Tony responds. Jessica merely nods her head in acknowledgement as Tony makes his way towards the cliff side.

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

As Clay kept sprinting down the streets of his corrupt hometown, he was hit by all of the memories that have haunted him from the passed two years. 

Jeff...

_**The sound of broken glass underneath his Converse sneakers had managed to become louder in every nightmare he had since. The beating of his heart grew harder and harder. The crimson life source covering the senior's face had become more and more vibrant and suffocating. His screams telling Jeff to hold on as he ran to the caved in driver's side door had grown louder and louder.** _

_**"Oh, my God. Jeff, can you hear me? "** _

_**"Wait. Hold on, Jeff, hold on!"** _

_**"Come on!"** _

...Hannah...

_**Clay turned his gaze to the deceased girl, who was now walking closer to him, still reciting the tape in agonizing detail. 'If you're lucky, you live a long life, and one day, your body just gives up and it's over.'** _

_**"How do I make her stop?" Clay brokenly pleads,not taking his eyes off of the Baker girl, "She won't stop."** _

_**Justin looks at him in confusion,"Make who stop? Who, Clay? Who are you talking about?"** _

_**When Hannah wouldn't listen to his plea for her to stop, Clay put the barrel of the gun to his temple, the tears on his bruised face falling harder as his breaths start to get heavier. This immediately causes Justin's panic to spike as he starts to plead with Clay to lower the gun, not knowing that he's being forced to listen to the damned tape,** _

_**"Clay, come on."** _

_**Clay lets out an anguished sob as Justin tries to coarse Clay into lowering the handheld weapon," Just stop. Give me the gun."** _

...Justin...

_**"Will you hold...will you hold my hand...bro?"** _

Without realizing it, Clay found himself at the cemetery. He remembers how he hasn't been back here since the day he took Courtney to Hannah's grave to confront her about how she threw Hannah under the bus. He had always meant to come back, to visit Hannah and Jeff, but he didn't have the guts to step one foot through the gate. 

Two graves in particular had stuck out to him, one belonging to the one and only Jeffery Akins, the other belonging to the irreplaceable Hannah Baker. His body takes him to Jeff's grave first. He kneels down on the patch of small patch of grass as he runs his fingers against the engraving of each of the twelve letters that spelled out the first and last name of his best friend. He feels the tears burning his eyes as he opens his mouth. 

"Hey Jeff. It's been a while." Clay starts, his voice catching. 

"I don't know what do do anymore, Jeff. Everything's gotten so fucked up since you died. Everything's just..wrong. Hannah' s dead, Bryce's dead, and Monty, and now Justin. I know that he was such an asshole when you were here, but he really changed Jeff. He really did, and he became my brother, believe it or not."

Clay cuts himself off when a bitter chuckle escapes his lips. "I miss you so much Jeff. I know I said that I hated you for leaving the way you did, but that was a lie. I could never hate you. You were the first jock that liked me, who didn't spread those fucking gay rumors about me, who actually cared about me. I love you so fucking much." He chokes out.

He traces the last letter before picking himself off of the grass, dusting himself off, and going to Hannah's. It isn't that far from Jeff's so it only takes about a minute to get there. 

He plants himself at the same bench that he sat with Tony last year. He just stares at the eleven letters that spell out the most beautiful name he could ever hear. The tears that were merely burning at the corners of his eyes are now spilling over onto his cheeks with full force. 

"H-h-hey Hannah." He starts in same choked voice as before. 

"It's been over a year since you died. Since the whole fucking world turned to shit. And you have started a chain reaction of events that have entirely fucked everyone over." He continues with bitterness seeping into his tone. 

"You screwed up everyone's lives when you made those damned tapes, Hannah. Everything got ruined because of those thirteen fucking reasons why you killed yourself. I guess you didn't think of that though, did you?"

He lets out a prolonged sigh before continuing. "But even after all that, I still fucking love you. Even after everything that has happened since, I will still fight for you Hannah. Even though I couldn't save you. "

"That's still one of my biggest regrets in my life, the night I walked away from you when you needed me. It's one of those things that keeps replaying over and over in my head, leaving me sitting there, wishing, that I could've said what I actually wanted to."

He takes a brief moment of silence to collect his rampant thoughts, wiping the tears that spilled onto his cheeks. He takes a deep breath before continuing. 

"I can only imagine what you think when you see what I have done. You would be rolling in your grave if you could see how big of an asshole I was to Justin...and to myself."

He rolls down his sleeves to reveal all the scars that litter his arms. He lets out a bitter chuckle at the sight of them. "This is what I've been doing to myself, Hannah. I couldn't take it anymore, and...I guess I took a page out of your book." He says sadly, tears filling his eyes once more as he rolls them back down. "I hate myself every fucking day, Hannah. There are so many days that I wish I could go back to a time in my life that I was happy. When I think of those happy times, I think of that night when we watched the eclipse from the roof of the Crestmont, or when we would build towers of candy boxes when we were bored. A time where I had no scars, when it was just me and you...when I could smile-"

His next words are cut off when he hears a voice calling his name, making him jump slightly in surprise. 

"Jensen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a bit of a wait, may I present Chapter 8. I hope you all enjoy, and who found Clay at the cemetery? Any guesses?


	9. Holdin' back, you can't know what's in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 9! Title comes from the bridge of the song Wish Me Luck by Wallows, which is off their new EP "Remote". Enjoy!

"Jensen."

Clay gave an involuntary flinch as he turned his attention away from Hannah's grave to the face of Diego. Clay's face instantly contorted into a grimace as the jock approached him, taking a seat next to him on the bench. 

"Why are you here Diego?" Clay snapped shortly. 

"Just visiting Monty. What about you?" Diego replied.

"What's it to you?"

"Just making conversation Clay." Diego answered somewhat smugly. 

"Why? You've made it pretty fucking clear that you don't like me."

"I never said that I didn't like you." Diego repiled, the smug look not leaving his face. 

"Well, considering that you have made my life even more of a living hell than it already was because you were supposedly "mourning" the death of Liberty High's resident ax-crazy asshat who was a proven rapist, you can see why your actions would speak louder than your words." Clay snarled. 

Diego's smug grin turned into an expression of pure distaste. He didn't like that someone like Clay fucking Jensen would be capable of calling someone like him out. In his eyes, Jensen was just another little prick who was "this close to full-blown psycho now." He just couldn't see how Jensen could get away with anything when he was just a fucking ticking time bomb. 

When Diego looked at Jensen, faint marks on Clay's right wrist that his shirt failed to cover up caught his eye. He shook his head in slight disbelief at this, scoffing at Clay's words. "You see, I was only pissed off because I knew you knew that Monty was innocent, that he didn't kill anyone. I just wanted to know how the actual fuck you were able to suddenly get off. " Diego stated, his trademark smug smirk returning to his face. 

Clay understood the game that Diego was playing, and it didn't deter him one fucking bit. "Oh really, you seriously want to know how I was suddenly able to 'get off'?" He asked rhetorically. 

"Very much so, yeah." Diego replied. 

Before Clay could open his mouth to give any sort of response, his train of thought was interrupted when he saw two forms belonging to Jessica and Tony walking towards them. 

"Clay? You here?" Tony called, his voice ringing against the other headstones in the cemetery. 

"Yeah Tony, I'm here. I better warn you though, so is Diego." Clay called back, sarcasm dripping in his voice. 

"Fuck you too Jensen." Diego replied in a snarky tone. 

"No thanks Diego. I have higher standards that don't include your level of assholery." Clay replied, the hot sarcasm dripping from his lips. 

Diego didn't find that amusing in the slightest bit. He shook his head in distaste once again before allowing a malicious smirk to crawl its' way onto his face. He let his eyes quickly dart to the same spot on Clay's wrist that the sleeve of his jacket failed to cover up and back to Jensen before opening his mouth. Clay noticed Diego doing this and it put him on edge and in defence mode immediately. 

An intended scoff left Diego's lips before he spoke, "Does Padilla know?" He asked in a bit of an accusatory tone as Tony and Jessica made their way into Clay and Diego's line of vision. 

The jock's question put Clay more on edge, as the question immediately caused his already anxious-driven mind to be sent into hyperdrive. He felt his heart slightly pick up speed, forcing him to take a deep breath in an effort to calm it. "What the hell are you talking about Diego? Did I tell Tony what?"

Diego turned his trademark smug grin to the confused look that painted Tony's face, and the oddly concerned look that took over Jessica's before turning his attention back to Jensen. He let out a scoff as he reached his right hand out to grab Clay's left wrist while using his left hand to pull down his sleeve down. 

The shocked look on Tony's face and the look of pure horror on Clay's face confirmed his suspicions as he maliciously answered Jensen's question. "Does he know about this? And did Foley know about your little problem?"

Clay immediately and instinctively ripped his left wrist out of Diego's grasp, feeling his eyes burn with the threat of tears. He snuck a look at Tony, who was horrifyingly shocked, and then at Jessica, who had a look of heartbreak and sympathy on her face, before he ripped his gaze away from them and planting his eyes on Hannah's grave. 

This isn't how Clay wanted to tell Tony about the scars that littered his arms. He wanted to do it on his terms in his own way and and in his own time. He knew that it was something that had to be done on his own. And the fact that Diego took that away from him fills him with rage. 

He knows that directing his rage at Diego right now isn't going to help this situation at all, but he realizes that he doesn't care anymore. "You goddamn motherfucker!" He snarls, letting the tears fall freely down his face, getting up from his spot on the bench and backing up a few feet towards Hannah's grave. "Why would you do that?"

"So I take it that you didn't tell Padilla. How could you keep something like that from your best friend?" Diego remarks in a mock condescending tone, rising from his seat as well and walking closer to Clay. 

"How could I?! How could you?! You had no fucking right to do that you fucking asshole! No fucking right!" Clay cried out, clenching his fists instinctively. "I knew you were an asshole before,but that was so fucking low and cruel, even for you!"

"What the fuck Diego?!" Jessica snarled, stepping in the middle of the two teens and shoving Diego away from her friend, while not hesitating to deliver heavy punches to his chest, silently aiming for bruises. "What is your fucking problem, Diego? Why did you ever fucking think doing that was okay? It's was hard enough for him to talk to me about it, so I think you can fucking imagine how difficult it would be to tell his best friend you asshole!!"

Hearing Jessica say that she knew about what Clay was doing to himself broke Tony out of his shocked stupor. He turned his attention to his best friend, who was now hugging himself with his arms defensively and sobbing, before speaking. "Wait, Jessica knew about this?!" He yelled, immediately regretting his tone. 

"I o-o-only told her because she came over to my house after J-Justin died, and s-s-she checked up on me." Clay shakily choked out in between his sobs. "I made her promise not to tell you or the rest of the group. I wanted to do it when I was ready to." 

Clay calmed down just the slightest bit before walking up to Diego, clenching his fist and landing a punch right in the face, watching the blood trickle down the jock's nose. The sudden action was shocking enough to freeze both Jessica and Tony in horror, not expecting that reaction out of their friend. 

Clay let out a few heavy breaths before regaining his ability to speak coherently. "Are you happy now you fucking asshole?! I already hated my fucking life enough before, you just made it worse. How can you look at yourself in the mirror everyday?" He told him in an eerily steady voice, the tears still cascading down his face. "I hope you have a good fucking life you jackass." He finished before walking off. 

"Clay!" Tony called out while going after him, but Clay ignored him and just kept walking out of the cemetery. 

Jessica turned her head to look at her ex-lover, who was now using the sleeve of his jacket to stop the blood flow coming from his nose. She shook her head in pure distaste. "You deserve a lot more than what Clay gave you. He just lost his fucking brother last week, you insubordinate fuckwad. Lose my fucking number Diego. Anything that we could've had before, is done. Like Clay said, I hope you have a good fucking life." She finished before making her way to meet Tony at his car, leaving Diego clutching his nose with his jacket. 


	10. The World Closing In...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the little unintentional hiatus from this story. I have been working on my one shot book, which if you haven't read, you definitely should, and then I moved, so I have been a little more tired than usual. So, may I present, Chapter 10!!!  
> *Kudos and Comments are appreciated. And if you have any ideas for future chapters of this or ideas for oneshots for my other book, leave them down below.*

Much like earlier, Clay didn't have a particular location in mind when he stormed out of the cemetery. The only thing that was running through his head was that he wanted to get away from Diego as soon as he possibly could. In his enraged state, he didn't immediately register the slight throbbing pain radiating through his knuckles and shooting into his wrist. 

He just kept walking absentmindedly, letting his feet carry him to wherever they wanted. He was too preoccupied with what happened at the cemetery. He can still feel Diego's knuckles grazing his scarred wrist when he pulled his sleeve down. Even the thought of the feeling brought tears to his eyes. 

_Why would he do that to me?_ Clay thought as he continued down some random road. _Even if he didn't like me, I thought that he would've had some ounce of human decency in him to make him realize that he shouldn't have done that. This is why I wanted to wait to tell anyone. And w_ _hat about Tony? He's going to think I'm a freak. He's going to leave me just like Justin left me, and Jeff, and Hannah..._

The sound of a car horn interrupted snapped him out of his thoughts. He turned his head to his right and was greeted by the sight of a panicked-stricken Tony driving his car and a sympathetic looking Jessica in the passenger seat. He didn't think that his friends cared enough about him to try to come after him. He felt that he wasn't worth their time because of everything he does, because of the trouble he's caused, and because clearly wasn't right.

Clay shook those thoughts out of his head and let out a huff. "What do you guys want?"

"We came looking for you," Tony replied, "Get in the car Clay."

"Why? I didn't ask you guys to come after me." Clay spoke sadly. 

"Why wouldn't we come for you Clay?" Tony asked curiously, "You know that we always cared about you."

"How do I know that Tony? For months, everyone has been treating me like I was supposed to be the strong one, that I was the keeper of everyone's secrets." Clay said sadly. He turned his attention to Jessica. "What about you Jess?"

"What about me Clay?" Jessica said, slightly irritated. 

"Back in February, after the dance, when I came back from my two week suspension, you told me that everyone was breakable and that I was the worst. And yet, both of you, along with everyone else, had assumed that I was this unbreakable superhero who could do anything when in reality, I was just a kid who hated getting out of bed every fucking day." Clay finished with his tears running freely down his face. 

For the first time in a long time, Tony and Jessica could see the pain in their friend's eyes. They could see the guilt and embarrassment on Clay's face. Since Clay and Tony were kids, it was always easy for Tony to read Clay's emotions; even if Clay couldn't, or rather wouldn't, always tell him exactly how he was feeling, Tony was always able to sense it. But in recent events, both of them noticed that their friend had become more closed off.

But as much as they don't want to admit it, Clay was right. In the midst of everything happening, the group had turned a blind eye to just how much Clay was suffering. They were so caught up with everything that happened with Hannah, then Tyler, then Bryce, then Monty, then Winston, that they became blind to the constant paranoia that plagued their friend. They thought it was just Clay being...well, Clay. Him going Clay-cray, a term that Jessica now came to regret. 

Tony bowed his head in acknowledgement of his best friend's words, and also in guilt, while Jessica just stayed silent. They hadn't realized just how bad it had gotten for Clay. Tony took a deep breath to collect his rampant thoughts before speaking. "We didn't realize how bad it was for you, Clay. And we're so sorry that we didn't."

Jessica gets out from the passenger seat of the car and makes her way to her crying friend. She gingerly and carefully approaches him, lightly putting her hands on his shoulders, which causes Clay to tense his shoulders the slightest bit, a subconscious response in order to protect himself, before he slowly relaxes his shoulders into Jessica's grip. She takes a deep "Clay, we're so sorry that all this happened to you, and we're...we're so, so sorry that we didn't know."

"Really Clay," Tony starts as he puts his car into park and exits the vehicle to approach his best friend. "I can't speak for the rest of the group, but it breaks my heart to know that you have been suffering like this for so long, that you've turned to hurting yourself to try to soothe your pain. We just want you to be happy, and to get better."

"And yet, you didn't today." Clay choked out in between his sobs, hugging himself protectively. "And I didn't either, for the longest of time. I constantly feel like I'll never be able to get away from everything that happened to me. " He cried out. 

Tony's already broken heart shattered into a million pieces hearing those words come out of Clay's mouth. It was enough to bring tears to his eyes. He approached his friend and gingerly enveloped him into a hug. Clay immediately leaned into his friend's shoulder, sobbing freely.

"Why didn't you come to me sooner Clay?" Tony asked as he pulled away. 

"And say what, Tony? It's like you said to me when your family was deported, you can't save the world." Clay gasped out, trying to calm himself down. 

The statement had a lot more truth than Tony cared to admit. Because, while the situations are contextually different, they share a lot of similar feelings. He took a deep breath before opening his mouth," But you can try to save your friends and I should've been there for you."

"There's a lot of shame involved, you know? Especially when Hannah died." Clay said after a few deep breaths. 

"No, I don't know." Tony says, shame and guilt lacing his tone.

"Maybe that's why I didn't come to you Tony. I didn't want to show you my scars and scare you away. You were there for me with Hannah. And I didn't want to lose you too."

"I love you, man." 

"I love you, too."

Jessica looked at them and smiled. "All right, you two have had your moment. I'm getting in on this." She said, causing Clay and Tony to let out a chuckle as she went over and enveloped them both in a hug. 

After staying like that for a few moments, Tony was able to successfully lead Clay to the backseat of his car. And with that, they drove off towards their hometown, blissfully unaware of the chaos that was waiting for them when they returned. 


	11. I’ll Be There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the small break from this story. I wanted a mother-son moment between Clay and Lainie, so here it is. Spoiler alert for moments in 02x11. Here is chapter 11!

When Clay, Tony and Jessica made their way back to the Jensen residence, they were met with the concerned looks of Matt and Lainie Jensen. Upon setting foot in the door, Clay could feel the tension in the room.

"Where have you been?" His mother demanded from her son.

"Away. I needed to be alone. Last time I checked, that wasn't a crime." Clay responded shortly, turning towards the direction of the outhouse.

Lainie shook her head in distaste at her son's comment, not finding it amusing in the slightest. "Well, didn't you think that it would have been a good idea to call or shoot a text if you were going to leave?"

Clay gave her a look that he hoped said are you serious right now? He let out a sigh before opening his mouth. "I didn't bring my phone with me. And we talked about the helicopter parenting, mom?"

"Well, I'm sorry that I still care about your wellbeing Clay. I know losing Justin has been rough for you." Lainie responded.

"That's an understatement" Clay muttered under his breath just loud enough for his friends to hear.

"What was that?" Lainie inquired.

"Nothing." Clay responded quickly.

Lainie gave her son a stern look. "In the 18 years you have been alive, there has been zero evidence that it's nothing. Now, be honest with me, are you okay?"

This question was all it took for Clay to unravel . "Am I okay?" the teen questioned. "How can I possibly be okay mom? I should have known something was wrong with Justin. I should've seen something, anything. He died in front of me, holding my fucking hand and this is the first time you asked if I was okay."

"I asked you in the car-" Clay cut his mother off.

"You only asked me that because there was an awkward silence in the damn car." Clay scowled.

Lainie takes a deep breath as she realizes that her son is right. She and Matt hadn’t really checked in with their remaining son about how he felt since that one time coming home from the hospital. They both had just assumed that their son was dealing with his loss normally and left it at that. She realizes that she and Matt are repeating the same mistakes that they made when Hannah died.

Clay can see the regret in his mother’s eyes and he softens his face. He does realize that his parents do care about him, but he still can’t help but feel bitterness sting his heart. He hasn’t fully forgiven his parents for their part in the shooter drill that sent him to the hospital and he doesn’t really think that he can fully forgive his parents, at least not for the foreseeable future.

“Look, we’re sorry honey.” Lainie starts, a sad smile creeping onto her face. “I know that losing Justin was tougher on you than your dad and I. Yes he was our son, but he was your brother.”

Clay’s eyes began to sting with tears, but he fought to keep them at bay. The last thing that he wanted was to break down sobbing not only in front of his mother, but also I front of his friends. He still felt the need to be the strong one in the group. He shook his head in disagreement at his mother’s words. “He was more than my brother mom,” he said, his voice breaking slightly.

“What does that mean?” Lainie said sympathetically and concerned.

Clay turned his attention to Jessica and Tony, who were standing by the door. “If it’s not too much to ask, can you guys leave? I don’t mean to be rude, but I just want a private moment with my mom.”

Jessica and Tony nodded their heads in acknowledgment. “Of course,” To y spoke up. He turned his attention to Jessica. “Come on, let’s go to Monet’s. I think this is the kind of shit that a hot chocolate can fix.”

Jessica let’s put a chuckle at this as she nods at her friend. “Yeah. Bye Clay, bye Mrs. Jensen,” she called out to her friend his mother.

Lainie gave her son’s friends a small wave goodbye as Jessica and Tony made their way out the door, shitting it behind them as they left.

Clay motioned to the living room, indicating the seriousness of the situation. His mother followed him towards the direction of the living room, planting themselves on the couch.

Clay has a brief flashback of his panic attack at Christmas. The memory sends a chill down his spine.

_As Clay watched the rest of his family find a place for their family photo, he felt his breathing grow heavier and heavier, like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. The overwhelming dizziness had started to affect his vision. His eyes couldn’t get his eyes to focus no matter how hard he tried._

_In the midst of his disoriented state, he could see the blurry form of his brother coming towards him, looking at him in concern._

_“ Hey, you OK?” Justin asked, his voice coming out with an echo._

_Just as Clay was going to choke out some sort of response, he felt his legs give out from under him, forcing him to release the chair from his grasp before crumbling to the floor._

_“Clay, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Justin asked with concern._

_Clay could feel his windpipes closing, which restricted his ability to speak. “H-h-help” he struggled to breathe out in between gasps for air._

Lainie notices the zoned out look on her son’s face. When she looks in Clay’s eyes, she can see the slight fear in them.

“Clay?” She calls softly, reaching her right hand out to rub his shoulder.

Clay blinks a couple of times, snapping out of whatever daze he put himself in. “Uh, right.”

Clay takes a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts before continuing. “Justin was more than just my brother mom. He saved my life.”

Lainie took her hand off her son’s shoulder and gripped his hand in a comforting manner. She could sense that whatever her son was going to tell her was going to be really tough for him, and she just wanted to let him know that she was there for him. She looked at her son in confusion at his words. “What do you mean?”

Clay took another deep breath before continuing. “Well I imagine that you’ve seen the security footage from Bryce’s house last spring?”

Lainie nods her head in acknowledgement of her son. “Yeah some of it. I saw you pull the gun on him and Justin talking you down.”

Clay nods at this. “That would be the one. Well, before all that happened, I couldn’t get Hannah’s voice out of my head, and it drove me insane.”

“So I had taken a friend’s gun, please don’t ask which friend mom,” Clay quipped quickly when he saw his mother start to open his mouth.

“Sorry honey. Continue.” Lainie conceded.

“I had the gun in my hand as I walked to Bryce’s house. I was so angry because he lied about Hannah in court and I knew that he was going to get away with it. I let my anger drive me to my breaking point.”

Lainie could see tears build up in her son’s eyes. Clay was never the type of person who could hide what he was feeling and she could see the pain in her son’s eyes.

“It’s okay honey. Take your time.” Lainie soothed her son.

Clay took another shaky breath in an attempt to clam himself. “I kept hearing Bryce’s tape in my head. It came to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew that Hannah’s voice wasn’t real but I kept pleading with her to stop torturing me and when she didn’t, I put that gun to my head.”

Clay couldn’t hold back his tears anymore, he just bursts into tears. Lainie’s maternal instincts immediately kick in and she gathers her son in her arms and allows her son to cry freely into her shoulder. She can feel her son’s tears soak through her blouse but she couldn’t care less about that.

“It’s okay honey.” Lainie soothes, rubbing her son’s back. “It’s better out than in.”

“I-I-I’m sorry.” Clay chokes out in between his sobs, struggling to catch his breath.

“Take deep breathes honey.” Lainie instructs gently. “In...”

Clay tries to follow his mother’s instructions and takes a deep breath in and holds it.

“...and out.”

Clay let’s put the breath he was holding. The two had repeated this a few more times until Clay was able to catch his breath again. Once he could breath again, he adjusted himself to where he was laying down on the couch with his head on his mother’s lap.

“Its okay honey.” Lainie soothed.

Clay gave his mother a nod of his head, takinga deep breath before closing his eyes and gathering the courage to continue with his tale.

“Justin convinced me to lower the gun from my head and drove me home. He saved my life mom, if he wasn’t there, I don’t want to know what I would’ve done.” Clay finished, his voice becoming shaky again.

Lainie had tears burning her eyes by the end of her son’s tale. She felt a little guilty for only thinking about Clay’s defense when she initially watched that security footage.

“I’m so sorry honey.”

“I know you are. That’s why Justin was more than just my brother mom. He saved me and kept saving my life after that, just being there. And now he’s gone. Why did he have to leave me mom?” Clay was in tears again by the end.

“I don’t know honey. I wish I knew.” Lainie said honestly.

For the rest of the night, Lainie just let her son cry into her lap. All she could do was say any words of comfort in any attempt to soothe the pain in Clay’s heart. She continued to do this until Clay relaxed and fell asleep in the comfort of his mother’s arms.


	12. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for they unintentional hiatus from this story. So after a long wait, here's chapter 12!

Matt was greeted with the sight of his wife rubbing their sleeping son’s side as soon as he entered the room. He gave a small smile at the sight as his wife gave a smile of her own towards her husband.

“Hey honey.” Matt greeted softly as to not wake Clay up. He made his way towards the recliner that was positioned next to the couch. “How long has he been out?”

“About an hour.” Lainie responded. Her heart still hurt with what Clay had told her. It hurt her as a mother to see that her son was in so much pain that he thought that killing himself was an option. “I’m worried about him Matt.”

Matt looked at his wife with a incredulous look on his face. “What do you mean by that?”

“He’s hurting so much Matt,” Lainie said sadly and softly, continuing to rub her son’s side, “I don’t know how much more he can take,” she finished, a few tears escaping her eyes.

Matt’s heart broke for his son. He had noticed the physical exhaustion that plagued his son, the dark circles under his eyes, how his skin seemed paler than it used to be. He, rather ignorantly looking back at it, assumed that Clay’s therapy sessions with Dr.Ellman had been enough to help him.

He rose from his spot on the recliner and walked close to his son, taking him from his wife. “Let me take him to his room. He’ll be a bit more comfortable in there.” Lainie gave him a nod before taking her hand off her son as Matt picked Clay up in a bridal hold and carried him up the stairs and to his room in the house, Lainie following behind him.

Matt set his sleeping son on his bed and pulled the comforter over him. He watched as Clay unconsciously rolled over onto his side and pulled the blanket to his neck and nestled deep into his pillow. Matt broke into a small smile and leaned down to give a kiss on Clay’s cheek.

“He has always looked so peaceful when he’s sleeping,” Matt heard from behind him, tuning to see a smile on his wife’s face,“I just wish he looked that way when he’s awake.” Matt’s already aching heart hurt more, standing up and walking towards Lainie, enveloping her in a hug.

“I know hun,” Matt said sympathetically, “I do too.”

“I just wish I knew how to help him,” Lainie says softly, her voice breaking towards the end, “He’s been through so much Matt. I just wish that he could wake up and be okay again.”

“I know honey.” Matt repeats, sympathy lacing his voice. He wouldn’t say this to his wife, but he was starting to feel like he was failing as a father. He wanted to be there for his son, but he didn’t know how, he always took Clay’s word for it.

Matt just nods his head and leads Lainie out of their son’s room after giving a small smile towards his sleeping son. “Sweet dreams pal.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Clay woke up in his bed a few hours later feeling confused. He didn’t remember being in his room when he fell asleep. He stretched his limbs out, feeling the satisfying crack in his bones, before throwing his comforter off him and swinging his feet over the side of the bed, seeing the red 7:45 flash on the alarm clock on the bedside table. He lets out a groan as he stands up straight, feeling the bones in his legs let off another series of satisfying cracks.

He made his way out of his room and down the stairs when he notices his parents sitting on the couch watching a random Netflix movie on the tv. He doesn’t know which movie their watching but he thinks it’s interesting enough. He makes his way towards his parents, taking a deep breath.

“Hey mom, hey dad.” He says softly, but loud enough for them to hear.

Lainie’s attention is torn away from the movie she and Matt were watching on tv and to her son. She notices that Clay looks a little bit better and well rested, and it’s enough for a small smile to keep onto her face. “Hey honey. How’re you feeling?” She asks as Matt pauses the film.

Clay takes a seat on the couch to the right of his mother. “I feel better. I have a little bit of a headache but it’s not terrible.”

“That’s great honey,” Lainie replied, still maintaining the small smile on her face, “Do you want to talk about anything?”

His mother’s question is enough for Clay to hesitate for a moment. Everything is still a little raw for him, and not just Justin’s death either. After what Diego did to him at the cemetery earlier, he especially doesn’t want to talk about his scars quite yet. He does decide to tell his parents something though.

“Uh, yeah. There’s something I need to tell you guys.” Clay starts.

He takes a deep breath as his parents look at him with concern in their faces. He takes another deep breath before opening his mouth. “You remember how I told you guys about my dissociation?”

“Yeah we remember,” his dad says, “What about it?”

“Well, that isn’t the worst of it. I think that I’ve been hallucinating.” Clay finishes, shakily.

He feels his heart beat rise a little when he sees the concerned looks on his parent’s faces turn to those of devastation. This was one of the original things that he was scared to tell his parents since before he started hurting himself. He didn’t want them, or anyone, to think he was crazy and needed help. The idea of needing to go on medication again was terrifying, but he could feel himself being on the end of his rope.

“Please say something.” Clay said, his nervousness seeping into his voice.

“Clay, you need need to know that your mom and I are here to help you through everything and anything but, son, this is a much bigger discussion, I hope you know that bud.” Matt replies after a beat.

“I do dad." Clay says, an overwhelming feeling of relief washing over him. His chest feels immediately so much lighter now that he doesn’t have to carry it around.

“Who..” Lainie asks, trying to pick the right words so she doesn’t make Clay feel like she’s cornering him, “...who have you seen honey?”

Clay takes another deep breath before answering. “H-Hannah, j-Jeff, Justin, m-Monty, Bryce.” He says in an uncharacteristically small voice, ashamed with tears on his face. His parents immediately take notice of this and make a space in between them, motioning for their son to sit, which Clay obliged.

Matt and Lainie immediately envelope him in a group hug, allowing Clay to cry, “Hey there’s nothing to be ashamed of honey,” Lainie soothes, “We’re proud that you were able to tell us.”

“Yeah buddy,” Matt starts, “We’re just glad that you’re alive.”

Clay just nods through his tears, content in the fact that he has his parents. After a while, Clay is able to calm himself down. “Thanks guys. You guys are the best.”

“We know. We try.” Matt replies with a playful smirk on his face. His wife and son let out a small laugh at this, the atmosphere feeling extremely lighter.

“Okay then. Can I watch with you?” Clay asks, referring to the paused movie on the screen.

“Of course honey.” Lainie responds.

“Whatcha watching?” Clay asks turning his head towards the screen.

“We’re watching Don’t Breathe. I think you’ve seen it.” Lainie responds.

Clay nods his head before replying. “Yeah I have. It’s really good. I think Alex is my favorite character.”

Matt gives him a smile. “He’s my favorite character too bud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a bit of a wait, here’s chapter 12. Comment if you can spot the few Dylan Minnette references I sprinkled in here


	13. The Truth Will Come Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hiatus on this work. Writers block is a bitch.   
> Anyway, trigger warning for self harm, blood, and Diego being an asshole.

The movie time Clay shared with his parents seemed to be the calm before the storm when looking back at it. The rest of Monday night was spent in blissful ignorance of all the bullshit he had been subjected to for the past two years; he could just sit and enjoy time with his family semi-normally for the first time since Justin died.

News of the one of many of his panic attacks had spread around the halls of Liberty High School by the time Tuesday hit. He felt the stares on him, which isn't new, but it still felt intrusive.

Clay kept his head down as he made his way towards the direction of his locker. He felt the constant anxiety in his chest and it weighed down on him like lead. Making to his locker, he continued to ignore everyone around him as he opened the slightly dented metal door, grabbing his required books, closed it, and headed towards his first class of the day, which was math.

Everyone's eyes were on him when he made his way to his seat. It didn't help the almost overwhelming feeling of anxiety that settled in his chest. He gave them a dirty look before opening his mouth, sitting in his seat. "Do you people mind?" He said, irritated. "You guys aren't that subtle, you know."

His classmates got the hint and turned away, going back to their own conversations. Clay rolled his eyes and got his notebook and textbook out in preparation of the class.

He completely zoned out when the teacher started talking. He could feel himself start to drift off someplace else; his heart wasn't into it today. The teacher seemed to drone on and on, but Clay couldn't hear a single word coming out of the teacher's mouth. He couldn't stop thinking about everything going on. It was like he couldn't shut his mind off long enough to be able to focus on anything.

Soon enough, the bell had rung, effectively snapping him out of his thoughts. He stiffly put his books and other materials back in his backpack, rose from his seat, and sluggishly walked out of the classroom. It felt like he was detached from himself, like he was watching himself from a distance, but wasn't really there.

Clay was so in his head that he didn't notice that he had bumped into someone until he found himself on the floor looking up at Diego's pissed off face. He inwardly cringed at the swelling and bruising that decorated his nose. He immediately stumbled back to his feet and was about to leave when Diego stopped him.

"Where you going Jensen?" came Diego's snarky remark.

"Away from you." Clay deadpanned. "I really shouldn't be seen with someone of your level of assholery."

Diego let out a bitter chuckle at Clay's comment. "You're a funny guy, Jensen."

"No, you're funny, Diego." Clay began, his voice raising, getting closer to Diego. "I didn't do a fucking thing to you or your goon squad and you took it upon yourselves to make my life more of a living hell than it was before. I already hated my life, you had no fucking right to make it worse."

For a moment, Clay could almost see genuine remorse in Diego's eyes. It didn't last long before he saw a smirk grow on Diego's face.

"You really want to try to be a tough guy Jensen?"

"I'm not trying to be anything asshole. So, if you excuse me, we both have a class to get to." Clay finished, turning away to head to his class.

Clay was stopped in his tracks when Diego suddenly grabbed his wrists. He felt his heart start to pound in his chest. He had a bad feeling of what's going to happen.

"Diego, please. If you have any good in your heart, don't do this." Clay pleaded to Diego.

Diego ignored the Jensen teen's pleas and pushed the sleeve of his jacket down, exposing the scars that littered Clay's arm.

"Hey look everyone," Diego called out, gaining everyone's attention much to Clay's dismay, embarrassment, and horror. He could feel the tears escape his eyes. "Jensen here has been hurting himself." Clay could feel everyone's eyes on him, and it was starting to suffocate him. "I don't understand why you would do that to yourself."

Clay yanked his arm away from Diego's grasp and ran out the front door, not looking back. His vision was blurry with the tears as he sprinted the 5 miles home from Liberty High School. 

_Why would he do that to me again?_ Clay asked himself. _He knew how much it hurt me last time. I thought he had some semblance of a heart in his chest._

When Clay made it to his house, he ran inside and went up to his bedroom. He ran passed his parents, who both had the day off, and ran straight to his room. Matt and Lainie were left confused and concerned for their son. Lainie turned away from her husband and went to follow Clay.

"Clay, honey?" Lainie called out to him. Clay ignored her by slamming and locking the door behind him. Her concern grew more as she heard the sobs coming from her son. “Please open the door.”

Diego had brought all the self doubt, heartbreak and self hatred that Clay tried to keep buried deep inside to the surface when he showed everyone at school his scars. He knew how everyone at Liberty loved to spread rumors, not caring how it would destroy someone. He saw how it destroyed the person he loved, and now he felt that it was going to destroy him.

Clay took all his anger out on the contents of his room. He tore all the pictures of the walls, all the posters. He pushed everything off his shelves and desk, he didn’t care. As far as he was concerned, nothing meant anything anymore.

As soon as he was satisfied that everything in his room was thoroughly destroyed, he allowed himself to catch his breath, his sobs catching in his throat. Clay felt his mind go blank, feeling himself losing control, like he told Dr.Ellaman he was afraid of. He stiffly took his jacket off and let it drop to the floor, mixing with the mess he had made.

He numbly walked over to his desk, not caring if he was breaking anything under his shoes, and opened the top drawer. He found the box of blades he had kept hidden from Justin and his parents sitting right on top of an old sketchbook and walked to sit on the couch on the left side of the room. If he had a clearer head, he would’ve stopped himself from making another cut, but he was numb at that moment. He didn’t care enough to try to stop himself.

“Clay?!” Clay heard his father yell through the door. “Open the door son!” Clay continued to ignore them, he couldn’t face them.

_I’m a failure_. Clay thought to himself. _I failed to protect Hannah. I failed to protect Jeff. I failed to protect Justin. How do I deserve to protect myself?_

Clay robotically brought the blade to the exposed skin on each of his forearms and made a long cut. And then another, and another, until his arm was covered in blood. He felt himself get woozy from the blood that he was loosing, watching it drip onto his jeans and onto the floor. He noticed his vision becoming blurry, figuring that he accidentally cut too deep. Through his disoriented state, he saw his door swing open and his parents rushing towards him, their faces twisted in horror.

“Clay! What did you do?” Lainie cried, using her scarf to try to stop the blood flow to each arm, the fabric getting stained red. She saw her son’s eyes start to droop shut, and it scared her.

“Keep your eyes open son,” Matt told his son, “we’re taking you to the hospital.”

“N-n-no...hospitals.” Clay mumbled, straining to keep his eyes open.

“I’m sorry pal, but you need to get help.” Matt said. He immediately scooped his son in his arms and ran to the car, Lainie following right behind.

Matt opened the door to the backseat and set Clay gently on his back and closed the door before making his way to the driver’s seat. Lainie got in the backseat with her son and put Clay’s head on her lap. Matt’s eyes filled with tears as he backed out of the driveway and sped to the hospital.

“It’s okay honey. It’s going to be okay.” Lainie soothes as tears stream on her face.

“I-I’m sorry...” Clay breathes out, feeling his eyes flutter shut.

“It’s okay honey. Just hang on a little longer okay?” Lainie reassures.

Clay gives a weak nod as he nestles his head into his mother’s lap, trying his best to keep his eyes open. But it’s becoming increasingly harder and harder to keep his eyes open. It feels like his eyes weigh tons. He really hadn’t meant to cut so deep, and he regretted it as soon as he did. After a few seconds, keeping his eyes open becomes impossible as he lets his eyes to shut on their own, allowing himself drift off completely.

The Jensen family makes it to the hospital not to long after that. As soon as Matt puts the car into park, he practically jumps out of the car and rushes to the backseat of the Prius and opening the door. He is horrified to see his son’s eyes closed but is slightly relieved when he sees the small rise and fall of Clay’s chest as he picks his son up and carries him into the blinding lights of the ER.

“Help! My son cut himself and he’s bleeding a lot! I need help over here!” Matt calls out, carrying his son. He sees a nurse coming over to him carrying a gurney behind her. He sets Clay onto the gurney, where the nurse immediately puts an oxygen mask on Clay’s face and rushing him to the OR, leaving Matt feeling like he’s frozen in place.

“Matt?” He hears Lainie call after him, snapping him out of the fog. He turns and is immediately hit with an overwhelming amount of hurt that he just starts sobbing in his wife’s arms.

“They just took him back,” Matt chokes out in between his tears. “Why would he do this to himself?”

“I don’t know honey.” Lainie says, her voice breaking. “He needs help, he needs _our_ help.”

Matt just nods as he lets Lainie guide him to the waiting room.


	14. I'll be Fine if We Turn Out the Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter. Trigger warning for hospital talk. And don't worry, I have no plans to kill Clay off. And spoiler alert for different moments presented in the show. If there are any ideas for future chapters, comment them. And points to the person who catches the significance to the room number.

The first thing that Lainie did while she sat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs of the ER waiting room was pull out her phone to call Tony. She felt that she needed to keep herself busy or she was going to drive herself insane waiting for the doctor to give her or Matt any information on their son. She robotically pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed Tony's number.

 _"Hello? Mrs.Jensen?"_ Tony answered.

"Hi Tony. You need to come to the hospital." She said stiffly.

This caught Tony off guard. He immediately grew concerned. _"What happened?_ " He asked.

Lainie felt the tears start to trickle down her cheeks. "It's Clay. I'll tell you more when you get here."

_"I'm on my way Mrs.Jensen. Is it okay if the rest of the gang comes over?"_

Lainie nodded her head before realizing that Tony couldn't see her. "Yeah you can Tony. It may be better to tell all of you at once."

_"Okay Mrs.Jensen. Are you and Mr.Jensen at Mercy?"_

"Yeah. We are. See you in a few." Lainie finished and hung up. She turned to face her husband, who just sat beside her with his head in his hands. She goes to put her hand on his shoulder before retracting it realizing that some of Clay's blood had bled through the scarf and got on her hands.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom." She tells her husband. Matt merely nods in acknowledgement as she stands up and heads in the direction of the bathroom. She only lets herself break down when she is able to lock the door behind her. As she turns on the faucet and starts to rinse her son's blood off her hands, she weeps for the pain in her son's eyes.

She weeps for the signs that, at one point over a year ago, she remembers learning about in hopes that she could protect her son and how she missed them. After a little bit, she calms herself down enough to clean the rest of the blood off her hands.

She wipes her eyes with a tissue as she leaves the bathroom and heads back to her husband, who she notices has been joined by Tony, Jessica, Alex, Tyler, Zach, Ani, Charlie, and a man who she recognized as Tony's boyfriend Caleb. Her heart warms at the sight slightly but it breaks again at the prospect of having to tell them why Clay was admitted.

"Hey guys." Lainie starts. Matt sees her approach them and stands to greet her. He gently puts his arm around her in a comforting and supporting side hug as Lainie starts to speak.

"Well, I bet you guys are wondering why Clay's in the hospital." Lainie starts. The nods of acknowledgement from every one of her son's friends gives her the okay to continue. "Clay cut himself multiple times on his forearms and was bleeding quite a bit."

Her son's friends' faces ranged from complete shock to total heartbreak, except Tony's, who looked like he was pissed off at someone who wasn't her son. She made a mental note to herself to ask him about it later.

"Is he going to be okay?" Tyler asked for the group.

Lainie was about to answer when she heard a man call for them, assuming that it's the doctor. "Friends and family of Clay Jensen?"

Everyone's attention was drawn to the doctor as they all gathered around him. "That's us." Matt informed him.

"Very well." The doctor starts. "My name is Dr.Gee. I'm the doctor who's been treating Clay."

"How is he?" Lainie asks.

Dr.Gee takes a deep breath in before speaking. "Well, Clay lost a significant amount of blood from some cuts on his forearms that seem like they were self inflicted." He starts. "We were able to repair the nerve damage in his forearms and stitch him up fairly quickly." 

Matt, Lainie and he rest of the group collectively gave a sigh of relief at the doctor's words. But there was still a thick, uncomfortable vibe in the air. The group collectively got a sense that there was more, and rather unpleasant news the doctor wasn't telling them. 

Dr.Gee took another deep breath in anticipation of the next piece of news that he had to share with the family, and it was something that he was not particularly thrilled to have to share. "We also noticed that there were more scars on his forearms as well; some looked like they were older and faded, while some looked more fresh."

"I believe that some of the newer scars were infected. That, in addition to the blood loss that your son suffered, he was put into a medically induced coma to allow his body to heal."

There was a collective gasp of shock coming from Clay's group of friends. Alex, Charlie, and Tyler were paralyzed in their shock, Ani and Jessica were in tears, comforting each other, and Caleb was restraining Tony, who looked like he was going to kill someone. Lainie and Matt had looks of pure heartbreak on their faces. 

"C-can we see him?" Matt spoke up softly, his voice breaking.

The doctor gave a nod of his head. "Yes you may. He's in room 111. Only three people at a time though, please." 

Matt and Lainie nodded and looked to Tony. They didn't need to say anything for Tony to understand what his friend's parents were asking of him, and he immediately obliged. Tony loved Clay like a brother, and if someone messed with his family, they were going to have to deal with him. And he had a feeling that he knew who started the chain of events that lead Clay here to the hospital. 

Tony followed Matt and Lainie into room 111. None of them were particularly prepared for what they were going to see when they did. When Matt and Lainie entered their son's room, the sight of their son unconscious on the hospital bed immediately brought tears to their eyes. Clay looked deceptively at peace with the bandages on his forearms, the breathing tube wired through his nose, the IV going through the top of his hand, and the EKG wires peeking through the top of the hospital gown he was wearing. He looked absolutely worn down. 

Tony's eyes filled up with tears as well when he saw his best friend's sleeping form laying on the bed, but they weren't only tears of sadness, they were also tears of anger. He was selfishly angry at Clay for hurting himself, angry at Diego for starting causing Clay to spiral to this, and most importantly, he was angry at himself for not saying anything to anyone.

"I knew.." Tony said.

This caught Matt and Lainie's attent, who turned their heads to look at their son's friend, "What do you mean by that?" Lainie asked. 

"I knew he was hurting himself. I fucking knew that he was doing this but he made me swear I wouldn't tell you." Tony said, his voice breaking towards the end. This admission was shocking for Matt and Lainie to hear, but they couldn't find it in themselves to blame him. They knew that Clay kept secrets for and from people. 

Matt approached the emotional Tony and embraced him in a comforting hug. "It's okay Tony. We don't blame you. But, do you know why Clay would..." Matt asked, trailing off at the end. 

"Yeah. He...he kept too many things to himself. You know about what happened at Spring Fling?" When Tony saw both Matt and Lainie give him an acknowledging nod, he took it as a que to continue his statement. "It wasn't a false alarm. Clay stepped in front of the shooter and was able to talk him down, but it broke him. Gave him nightmares, the short temper at school, and that mixed with what happened with Bryce, it became too much for him to keep inside. He started to take that out on himself." 

Matt and Lainie's hearts broke even more for their son when they heard that. They didn't know how far deep Clay's went, and it saddened them that he felt so horribly about himself that he would take it out on his own skin. 

There weren't any other words spoken after that. The only other noise in the room were the sounds in created by the EKG. The only thing that was reassuring to Matt, Lainie and Tony was watching the rise and fall of Clay's chest. They couldn't help but draw parallels between what happened with Clay and what happened to Hannah. The only difference between them, was that Hannah didn't give herself a chance to be saved, Clay did. All they could really do is hope that Clay would pull through. 


	15. You Never Know What's Going on in Someone Else's Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here i am and i'm back with another update. Tony confronts Diego.

Clay once described the way that time passes by in a hospital while Justin was admitted. He referred to it as "hospital time". How time could move so slowly until a week would pass, and how it would feel like it would mess with everyone. He once described this to his parents during the long stretches of waiting in between moments where Justin would be unconscious and hooked up to a ventilator. Lainie never truly understood exactly what her son meant until she was playing the same game with him. 

She could physically feel the time pass her by as she sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair that was next to Clay's bed. Matt would always try to get her to come home with him whenever he would go home when visiting hours would come to an end, but she would always refuse his offer. She couldn't find it in herself to leave her son's side. 

As the nurses and doctors would come to check Clay's vitals every so often throughout the first week, Matt and Lainie tried to see the small improvements in their son's condition, but it became difficult after a while. It was hard for them to see their son lying on the hospital bed connected to different machines whose sole purpose was to keep their son healthy and alive. It was a grueling waiting game that they had to play in the meantime. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, word of Clay being in the hospital started to spread like wildfire throughout the halls of Liberty High School, like it tends to do in the time of a crisis. Many students had their theories on what landed Clay in the hospital, ranging from a possible suicide attempt, to a home invader. Some people even thought that it had something to do with Justin. Whatever the theory, it pissed off Clay's friend group. 

But what pissed them off the most, especially Tony and Jessica, who are undoubtedly the closest to Clay, was how their school chose to inform the rest of the school about it. They started to see some of the same "look for the signs" posters that the school out up after Hannah died. It irritated them to no end because the school was treating their friend as if he was already dead. 

So, when Tony walked into the school the second Tuesday after Clay was admitted into the hospital, it was safe to assume that he was very angry at a certain football player in a blue and white letterman jacket. He felt a different type of anger than he ever felt before. _I better not run into Diego today,_ he thought, _he will have another thing coming to him._

As luck would have it, he managed to run into Diego on the way to the library. Well, more accurately, Diego and his bruised nose ran into him. 

"Watch where you're going Padilla." Diego snarled.

"You ran into me asshole." Tony snapped back. "You don't get to say shit to me. Ever."

"Oh, and why is that?" Diego asks, his trademark smug look on his face.

"You know exactly what I fucking mean. You fucked with Clay one too many times, and now he is in the hospital." 

Diego shook his head in mock disbelief, as if he was trying to distance himself from what happened with Clay. "I don't know anything about what happened to Jensen."

Tony let out a scoff at Diego's words.He couldn't believe that Diego would try to deny what he did. "Really? So you didn't pull his sleeve down in the middle of the hallway? You didn't show his scars to everyone in the hallway who was watching and humiliated him?"

The lack of a reaction that he got from Diego, it pissed him off more. "You know what Diego? I thought that after what you did at the cemetery and after what he did to your nose, you would've figured out that the shit you do, the shit you say, hurts. You took Clay's darkest secret and broadcasted it to the world and it broke him. And he was trying to get better after his brother died, and you took it and crushed it."

It finally seemed like he got through to Diego, as Tony could see genuine concern in Diego's face. It seemed like Diego finally was starting to understand how wrong he was to do what he did. "I'm sorry. I was just hurt-" Tony cut him off with another scoff. 

"You were hurt? Clay saw his best friend die in a car accident. Then he lost the girl he loved to suicide, who also made him a reason why she did it. Then he had to be a witness in her trial where lawyers were ripping her apart. Then he single handedly stopped a mass shooting from happening by stepping in front of a teenager with an AR-15 pointed at his chest. Then he was investigated and arrested for a crime he didn't commit. And when he was finally getting help for all that, he lost his brother. But the last straw for him was when you exploited his darkest secret in front of everyone. You don't get to say you were hurt."

"Look, I really am sorry."

"Yeah, you said that already, like it's supposed to fucking matter to me." Tony snapped. He starts to get really close to Diego, forcing him to look him in the eyes. "Diego look at me. It's your fault. Take some fucking responsibility." And with that, Tony turned around and walked out the door, leaving Diego with a guilty look on his face. 

Instead of going to his next class, Tony walked right out of school and got into his car. He couldn't care less about any of the teachers who could get him in trouble, as far as he is concerned, Clay was more important to him than school. With this thought in mind, Tony peeled out of the Liberty High School parking lot and made his way to Mercy Hospital to see his friend. 

The car ride on the way there was a silent. He didn't bother to put a tape in the tape player in his car, even though he had been getting to a place where he could listen to tapes again without having a flashback. He couldn't stop thinking about how he missed the signs with his best friend. He knew that he should've told Clay's parents about what Clay was doing to himself, but he didn't want to lose his best friend. 

Tony was so deep into his head, the next thing that he remembered was exiting his car and walking through the all too familiar hospital doors. He robotically walked to the ICU ward and walked up to the receptionist desk. 

"I'm here to see Clay Jensen." Tony tells the receptionist. She just nods and gives gives him a visitor pass. He doesn't wait for her to tell him the room number, he already knows it. He just gives her an appreciative nod and headed to room 111. When he got there, he saw Lainie sitting in her chair next to Clay. He let out a small sigh at the sight of his best friend in the hospital bed. 

"Hey Mrs. Jensen. Where's Mr. Jensen?" Tony asked. 

"He went to get some food." Lainie replied with a bit of exhaustion in her voice. "I can send him a message to get you something if you want." 

"No that's okay. Thanks for the offer though." Tony replied. Lainie gave him an acknowledging nod. 

Tony took a deep breath before he opened his mouth again. "How is he?" 

"He's doing well, all things considered. He started to show some improvements. The doctors are already weaning him off the meds. They say that Clay could wake up anytime now."

"That's great." Tony replied. He was relieved hearing that out of Lainie's mouth. He took another deep breath and gazed at his friend. Tony could see the small improvements himself, how Clay's skin seemed to be less pale, the bags under his eyes seemed to get smaller. He still wishes that he would've said something to either one of Clay's parents as soon as he found out, but he respected how Clay is too much for his own good. 

After a while, Tony started to notice Clay's eyes move under his eyelids. It was enough to catch the attention of his mother, who took his hand into her own. She immediately waved Tony over to her, which he immediately obliged, and he sat down in the chair next to him. 

"Honey? Clay?" Lainie asked. She and Tony started to hear small groans come out of their friend and son. "Can you squeeze my hand for me?" She asked. Lainie felt Clay squeeze her hand with a little bit of pressure. It was enough to bring tears to both of their eyes. "Can you do that for me again?" Clay responded with another squeeze of her hand, only this time, the grip was a little bit stronger.

After a few seconds, they saw Clay open his eyes. He looked around until they landed on his mother. In a scratchy voice, he called out, "M-mom?" 


End file.
